I strongly believe that we Desi parents took ourselves out of the equation when we refused to accept the fact that our kids are normal – they have hormones – they do have relationships – they do date and mate.

For Desi girl the first so called relationship starts in teens. Parents are usually in dark. The relationship lasts for a year of two. The driving force for relationship is not the romance but more to get attention.

Vijay uncle wrote this article as a feedback to an article titled “Why Puppy Love Matters for Parents” published in Wall Street Journal.

When they move to college, there is ample time and opportunity to enjoy it. Being in the relationship is so important that she will put up with emotional, verbal, physical or sexual abuse.

Parents being completely out of the loop, there is no support structure. Usual counsel of friends is no substitute for mature objective advice of some trusted adult. The friends are also sailing in the same boat.

If any Desi parents knew how often their daughter fell for the guys they would never approve as Jamai they would have a heart attack. The guys from different caste, different part of India, different religion (Muslim boyfriend for Hindu girl), white, Mexican or black are quite common. In many cases it seems that daughter is subconsciously picking the guy who will give the biggest shock to the parents.

As time passes by the amount of energy and time needed to maintain relationship keeps escalating. The more she tries the more it falls apart. A dozen times she decides ‘it’s simply not worth it’ and wants to break up. However like an addicted person who cannot do without the drug she is not capable of breaking up on her own. Finally she is hurt very badly and breaks up with the guy! But this is not the end. Few weeks later in the early morning hours she suddenly misses him so much that they get back to gather. The process is repeated on an average of three times before she finally comes to the senses and breaks up with him for good.

For few who are lucky to find a boyfriend who treats them nicely, they manage to sabotage the relationship themselves. So many of them are attracted to bad boys that it is difficult to explain the phenomenon!

Here is the story of Desi boys.

 While in high school they had to work hard to get the attention of females specially with Desi parents guarding their angles. The situation changes when they go to college. Suddenly there are too many to choose from. The guys need a girlfriend to have hookup with. Or they may have a trophy girlfriend they feel so proud to show off with. In case of a trophy girlfriend the interest in the girl is very little when they are all by themselves. They are not into a long term relationship.

Somehow, bad boys do get a lot more attention from girls while those who are simple and straight forward get left behind. The guys and gals end up having different agenda: girls looking for a long term commitment while the bad boy for fun time only.

Arguments and fights start early on and escalate. Vast majority of fights are for trivial reasons. They fight about topics rather than important issues. Eventually one of the two decides it is time to call it off.

The cycle repeats every two to three years. Each successive relationship leaves a scar on both of them. Unfortunately, instead of learning as to how I can change myself for future, the energy is spent on how the other person was jerk. As time passes by they learn to enjoy the company of opposite gender to meet their needs. As long as the topic of commitment does not spring up there is a sense of harmony.

While this may not apply to some of them, the basic theme of our young men and women’s lives is so predictable that there is a definite pattern.

Coming back to parents’ involvement rather their attitude, I strongly believe that we Desi parents took ourselves out of the equation when we refused to accept the fact that our kids are normal – they have hormones – they do have relationships – they do date and mate.

Had we been more realistic and be able to discuss these issues with our kids many of the so called mistakes could have been avoided or minimized. The families in which the conversations about romance and sex takes place have lower incidences of abusive relationship – low self esteem and dysfunctional relationships.

To all Desi parents, time has come for us to accept that sex and romance does exist. It is time we sit down with our teenage daughters or granddaughters and talk about relationships – romance and sex! Time to talk about the birds and bees!

Author:Vijay uncle is the coolest Desi uncle in North America. He gives relationship advice and motivates youth to register to donate bone marrows.