A few weeks ago, I directed my walk towards the Borders bookstore by my house. I browsed through the store and saw a large display of Martha Stewart’s newest cookbook. Some of you who are sports fans may have a favorite athlete- one that you follow every move of. Perhaps you buy every album of a musician or band and buy tickets to their shows. Well, my culinary queen, Martha Stewart, recently released her latest cookbook. The enormous display held a multitudinous amount of her overpriced yet genius book. I promptly swiped a copy from the display and sat down in the leather chairs that Borders oddly provides (I once read an entire book while sitting in one of them.)

I flipped through Martha’s recipes; what brilliance she displayed by dividing her book by seasons. The recopies use vegetables that are in season, hence the division. Oh, my gastronomic guru, how you care for your adoring fans! You want us to eat only the freshest of vegetables! It doesn’t stop there. Martha provides an appetizer, main dish, sides and dessert. 52 delicious, cohesive meals.

I sat on the Borders chair leafing through the pages. “Ooh” and “Oh, I never thought to put those things together” is a sampling of the thoughts that were in my head. I even had the audacity to scribble down a few recipes in my notebook; clearly, I had no intentions of buying the book.

When I got up to put it back, there was a big sign that I failed to pay attention to before. Borders is a place of overstimulation with way too much to look at to be able to pay mind to all of it. The sign read that Martha herself would be doing a book signing on Thursday night. I was floored. A big time celebrity coming to my town, my hero no less!

Let me explain that my love for Ms. Stewart was not love at first sight. Essentially, I saw one of her craft ideas. Take a glass jar, fill it with all of the dry ingredients for a cookie recipe, print the recipe and tie it to the jar with pretty ribbon. I copied it and people loved it. Then I went to her for more ideas. And from there, I began to develop my own ideas and incorporate hers with my own until I realized that I love her.

I added Martha’s book signing to my mental calendar. Throughout the week I fantasized about impressing her with my skills as a baker. She would love my cupcakes so much that she would ask me to wait to speak with her after the book signing when she would say, “Please, could you give me the recipe for your delicious cupcakes? Better yet, why don’t you come work for me and create more recipes like this? I have never tasted a more delectable morsel in my life!”

It could go the other way too. I might be walking back to my car after the signing and I would be accosted by big burly men in leather jackets. They would shove me into a black stretch limo. Martha would be sitting across from me wearing the cutest knit poncho, a big man on either side of her. “Listen,” she would say. “I tasted your cupcakes and I looked at your Facebook pictures of all your baked goods and crafts. I see where this is headed, and frankly, I don’t take kindly to competition.” I would be paralyzed with fear. My eyes would be fixated on the vintage ceramic floral buttons of Martha’s poncho. “Enough with the baking, Farrah. Or you’ll be sorry.” Martha would slowly turn her head towards a gigantic goon and mutter, “Get her out of here,” at which time I would be thrown out as quickly as I was dragged in.

Plausible, very plausible, but I do think Martha would have much more tact and grace than this. Her mode of death threats would probably come via mail on pretty monogrammed stationary.

Several friends were not very supportive when I told them that I would be giving Martha some of my cupcakes when I meet her. They all told me that she wouldn’t accept them for fear of accepting rat poison-laced baked goods. “But I’m not a crazy fan!” I said. I resolved that they were probably right and Martha would stop me before I could even place the box of cupcakes on her table.

Thursday came and I baked some coffee infused chocolate and vanilla cupcakes with coffee frosting. A very tasty selection. I arrived at the bookstore to observe the line that swirled all the way around the store. First, I purchased several copies of her book. I walked to the back of the line and waited for my turn to meet THE Martha.

I was definitely nervous when I got on line. Martha is notorious for being a right snob. It is something she doesn’t take dire measures to hide. I’ve watched her in interviews and on her show and the way she interacts with other people is definitely in a snooty manner. But isn’t that better than being the extremely sugary typical chef/homemaker that we see on TV? Martha is real, even if it means she shows her true colors that aren’t very pretty. She doesn’t hide the fact that she got into trouble and was in prison for a few months. She got into trouble and STILL continued to be a success, even after she got out of jail. What an inspiration! Would she be as pretentious and uppity as she sometimes seems?

I finally reached her table. It was like being the next kid to sit on Santa Claus’ lap. Or the next group to go on the roller coaster. “I have a gift for you!” I said when I reached her. “Oh, really?” she said. “These are coffee infused cupcakes.” She thanked me graciously and placed them next to her and proceeded to ask me if I had a bakery. Our conversation was quick and friendly and my admiration for the great business woman/ domestic diva was reaffirmed.

Questions? Comments? E-mail farrahmohsin@gmail.com

Author: Farah Mohsin