‘What an oxymoron!’ was my first reaction to hearing of the term. It’s like saying ‘pretty ugly’, ‘bigger half’ or ‘halal non-halal’. I was unaware of the profound meaning hidden behind the facade of the clichéd Western word ‘dating’ attached to the word ‘halal’ to express its Islamic ties.
This leads me to my argument that ‘dating’ is the wrong term in an Islamic context. The words ‘dating’, ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ have very temporary connotations. They lack the sense of permanence and sense of responsibility that Islam promotes in such matters. The institution of marriage holds a very high rank in most religions, and Islam is no exception.
Essentially, the idea is to find the ideal spouse. Traditionally, it was done through ‘arranged marriages’ in which parents chose spouses for their children. Over the years, mentalities changed and people began marrying out of their own choice. But the choice revolved more around looks than anything else as women were meant to be soft-spoken and well kempt homemakers, while men chose their brides. Times changed and women began to enter secondary educational institutions and eventually joined their male counterparts in the working world. They were now ‘equal’ and had the same rights when it came to spouse selection. It is worthy to note that women in Islam had this right since the advent of the religion, although not all Muslim women have been allowed to exercise it historically.
Up to the point of education, working and selecting one’s own spouse, Islam has no objection. Islam does not even object to the principle of talking and meeting amongst potential spouses before marriage. But in the West, this idea of dating extended from meeting and talking to kissing and sleeping! Again, as in all religions, not having premarital sex is one of the most important commandments of Islam.
The idea is that an individual’s family or friends introduce them to a member of the opposite gender. They talk over the phone or on the internet and only meet when chaperoned. If they like each other’s personality, they inform their friends and family and eventually get married. There are no physical aspects to this relationship prior to the nikah, which binds them in holy matrimony.
The way our society in the West has evolved, it would be rather impractical for parents to select a spouse for their children and assume they will get along. Emotional compatibility is an important factor that second generation North American Muslims, particularly those of South Asian descent, have acknowledged. To some extent, it is a half hearted acceptance, but thankfully it is not tabooed as it previously was. The concept has even permeated through the porous borders of the West to the Muslim countries and flourishes equally.
In my opinion, the idea is justified. If children have the option to select what schools they will attend, what education to pursue and which sports teams to become fans of, there is no reason that the right of spousal selection should be taken away from them. It is also true that ‘Halal Dating’ may be the only option keeping in mind today’s society. It embraces the concept of choice of one’s spouse, yet remains within religious bounds, maintaining the sanctity of the institution of such a relationship. My only concern is calling it ‘dating’. While it remains a close relative of ‘Arranged Marriage’, I fear that the Western ideology of dating will eventually corrupt this pure-intentioned means to finding a compatible spouse in this highly nefarious society. Maybe we are safer sticking to some traditions and using a different oxymoron, if it has to be one, and call it ‘Arranged Choice’!
Author: Farheen Anwar
