Casual relationships are like placebos when you really need life saving medicine. It may not have harmful side effects but the time they eat up are harmful enough.

I am referring to those who are at a stage of looking for marriage. They run into what they think may be a good prospect – they strike up the conversation – and see or talk to each other frequently and think that they are in a relationship. This is a comfort zone for both of them. Because they both can honestly say, “ I am seeing someone.” They even go to spend some time to gather.

Only problem is that both of them are trying to figure out how to take the relationship to the next level. There are no defined rules – no referee! The relationship lasts 2-3 years and after many ups and downs (one more down than up for sure) they finally move on. To me that two to three years you spent is a big loss. The time wasted on this relationship could have been more productive in seriously looking elsewhere. It may leave one or both of them bruised and cynical.

For those who are seriously looking, the time is of essence. And to waste few years on a relationship with open-ended process is a big loss. I have personally talked to hundreds if not thousands and they have admitted retrospectively that there were definite sings of ultimate outcome within weeks. So by their own admission they did burn up valuable time.

You are absolutely right that ill effect of marriage is far severe and I do not propose jumping into marriage to save time. I am simply advocating that whatever information you need to come to the decision can be done more efficiently and one should avoid the waste of time and pain that comes with failed relationship.

If both of them are seriously looking what excuse they have for not being able to get all the information needed to make decision in few months and than either move on or move forward?

This is not about changing the society. Society will remain what it is. I would like to educate Desi woman in their mid 20’s today. They need to realize that their so-called relationship may be eating up her precious time. She is more likely to lose a decade only to find her at a great disadvantage in Desi marriage game when she wakes up five to ten years later.

Here are few of my personal observations

• Many Desi women did not have any idea of the price they would end up paying- a lost decade.

• Women pay a much heavier price than men for procrastinating.

• From men’s point of view the peak of attractiveness occurs at late twenties. Guys are more visual than girls. For Desi women your chance of finding someone better does not improve with age after a certain point.

• Every failed relationship leaves you more jaded and hurt.

• Men are more interested in physical part of sex and women more in emotional part, this puts women at a disadvantage. Women are far more motivated than men for a marriage or commitment.

• I am not recommending for women to become blunt and tell the guy I am not interested in anything but serious relationship. But smart women need to do a lot of introspection at mid 20’s and lay a plan for finding that special someone. This plan needs to be critically reviewed for its success or lack thereof every few months and be modified if necessary. And if that requires remaining painfully single for a while, be it.

• They need to be very clear about ‘fun track’ versus ‘future track.’ There is no denying of emotional and physical need. That is ‘physiology!’ But in process of satisfying your physiological need if you pay a heavy price ultimately then it is ‘pathology!’

Having so called ‘grey’ relationship could end up costing you a lot. More people are likely to know about it than you anticipate. This may dissuade sincere prospect to make a move on you. Wishful thinking you get into may prevent you from being able to see a great opportunity that may come your way. You may not even consider a great prospect suggested by your parents or family.

In response to, “the chances of the girl, who holds onto something casual and grey with him and has 0 expectations is more likely to get him to the mandap. Meanwhile, the one with self-respect, keeps going from one uncommitted man to the next”. I have a different perspective on this one. Only brainless girls have zero expectation. If you are that woman, I urge you to ask yourself a question – what the hell is wrong with me? Consider professional counseling.

Yes, there is a chance that a guy would move on to the next woman who is willing to go grey easily than one who insists on knowing where is the relationship heading. But, that is a blessing and not a curse. May be you need to move on to the one who has emotional intelligence to understand your perspective. Being labeled ‘difficult’ by a chalu guy is far better than being labeled ‘too easy’ by most of the guys.

By & large if after six months of serous relationship you are not making progress it is time to move on. This does not mean it is never going to happen. But by moving on both parties have a better chance or realizing what they may be letting go. Get out of your comfort zone.

Of course we all realize that different strokes for different folks. No single formula works for everyone. Depending upon your needs and situation you may have to adopt a strategy that meets your long term (long is the key word) as well as short term needs. The successful strategy is one that achieves as much as your long term need without paying a heavy price. At this point in time I believe that Desi Women are paying a very heavy price for a lost decade in so called ‘relationship!’

Author:Uncle Vijay Mehta