One of the most perplexing question I have had for years is this, “With all these hot looking and motivated women out there, why is the man-playing hard to get?” My initial reaction was that they are simply waiting for the perfect one. What if they are so afraid that post marriage life is likely to be more pain than gain?

In past 40 years Desi females have received an unparallel booster shot of empowerment – education -career – talent – independence- leadership-ability. No matter what attributes you are looking at, the gains made by Desi females have far outpaced those made by Desi men. So it stands to reason that paradigm of male/female roles in Desi marriages has to change too.

Gone are the days (my parents’ generation) where males were bestowed with the wisdom and the intelligence and an unchallenged authority. Next came females (my generation) who were raised knowing the social norm of male dominance. It was so ingrained in their psyche that they did not question the male dominance to the extent a western female would. However coming to North America allowed them to be as productive or sometime far more productive than their male counterpart. However these women by and large played a team role (even when she knew it that she was far superior and can easily show the door to the male). This allowed many men of my generation to have their male ego not bruised too badly.

Now let us come to the current generation. The male child was generally pampered and treated as if he was the God’s gift to family (after all he was going to maintain family name). He was raised with his mom treating dad with respect and dignity (it was more of a reflection of how mom was raised and what her norm of acceptable behavior was). So when this young man becomes an adult he does not realize that old model does not work at all. New woman is more expressive of her anger, displeasure, power and even love.

De-masculization of men is happening for past 40-50 years in the western world. The empowered and now fearless women started standing up for their rights. Law supported females more than males (to level the playing field). Mother got preference over the father. The testosterone driven behavior was criminalized or looked down upon. With the women’s liberation a generation of ‘femi-nazi’ came in to existence. So many westerners would drop their jaw when they saw how our women were so willing to take a back seat – some of it was good while other was bad.

Life is lot more about perception than reality. Your generation of males feels the shock and bewilderment because this drastic change happened in a short period of time.

Addressing this issue may be an important step towards encouraging many of the eligible bachelors who are standing on sideline for some time. I am working on “infra red’ discussion of this topic – any suggestions?

So here are the questions,
” Is it possible that modern Desi woman make it difficult or impossible for ‘a man to feel like a man?’
Could it be that reluctance to run to the ‘mandap’ may be in part due to the perceived notion that marriage will end the life as he has known it?
How can we evaluate this important issue during Infra red dating?

If it is any consolation to Desi men – consider yourself very very lucky. Look at your counterpart – white males. Over last few decades he has given up nearly 50% of educational achievement – 30% of corporate leadership to her. To add the insult to injury came highly motivated men and women from India and other countries! They have ceded so much both inside and outside the house. They have to marry the women who as a group are far less committed than Desi women. That is reality. So trick lies in figuring out a solution that both male and female can live with.

Author:Vijay uncle is the coolest Desi uncle in North America. He gives relationship advice and motivates youth to register to donate bone marrows

‘Culture’ is a relative term. It is always in flux, and it changes with places and time. We adopt new values; we shed the old ones and try to preserve our own identity. . It is already a hard task to define ‘accurately’ what culture means, or what we refer to when we use the term culture loosely. Here is a glimpse at a few definitions available across the web:

• particular society at a particular time and place;
• the tastes in art and manners that are favored by a social group
• acculturation: all the knowledge and values shared by a society
• the attitudes and behavior that are characteristic of a particular social group or organization

Culture becomes a yardstick while choosing the significant other. We toy with this word to define our own priorities and biases. I am not alone in this dilemma, while looking at the future marriage prospects.

Post modern marriage has its own culture, arrange marriage is frowned and mocked. It only exists in Elizabethan novels, desi auntie’s circles or old desi dramas. No one romanticizes the old school any more. We as a new generation want a life filled with options and choices. If I can choose the brand of my shoes then why not my husband?

Same words can convey different meanings. Their undertones, use and situation define their mere meaning. Can we define a love match arranged by parents as arranged? Or a matched profile found on shadi.com as love marriage? It seems like a seemingly absurd concept, in an ever evolving culture.

Growing up with the notions of “Feminism” (now whatever that term referred to) and the talks about male chauvinism, women were always discussed as the ‘victims’ when it came to the topic of marriage. Simone De Beauvoir was not the only one to have a feministic stance. In feministic literature women are depicted as the disadvantage party when it comes to love and marriage. Simone’s statement was not something new. Simone did assert that women are as capable of choice as men, and thus can choose to elevate themselves, and these days’ women have taken the step to turn that message into a practice.

Mail wives are not only a Russian phenomenon. Online websites, marriage bureaus and frequent trips to country of origin have made this a common phenomenon in western world. Immigrant population frequents their country of origin looking for suitable culturally equivalent matches. This practice has resulted not only in sociological problems but has led to forced legislation. In England this practice was dubbed as forced marriage. Now governments intervene if they find that their citizens are forced into tie by parents.

How to find a husband? It is like a holy grail every other girl is after. . We want choices and options.  But what happens to those who were raised with the concept that ‘parents find you the best match’ and found themselves amidst this new found independence when they came to this land ‘to choose themselves and to choose freely.”

These new concepts topple their life and they just could not grasp the criteria of ‘how to come across an eligible bachelor…”

Some blame post modern women of being ‘too picky’ or having ‘too high standards.’ Well whatever the reason might be, some just give up. The guy with the traditions and cultural morals is well bred ‘back home’ and if men can bring in wives from there then what’s wrong with bringing husbands from there too?

My answer: It is changing our sociology. When you bring in the husband, you pretty much are the one that is wearing the pants in the family. While that changes, then so does the entire ‘cultural’ structure of a household.

What are those men who want to come here looking for? The answers vary and seldom fulfill our desire and notion of romanticism. But as one girl simply put it, “I want kids and I need a father for them. If he’s ready to be that man, I am ready to adjust and compromise to any limit.”

I was shocked and disappointed. Are these women sacrificing themselves for even a worse reason? Being single, alone and old is a taboo among South Asians. So, due to social pressure South Asian women hear their biological clock ticking even louder and are ready to escape the taunts from ‘aunties’ and would do anything to wear the social costume of a ‘perfect’ girl, with a husband and a family. They are ready to oversee the troubles that would come their way, and are even ready to give up that newly acquired lesson of individualism they had recently learnt.

So yes, they import husbands and they present them as a result of a ‘love marriage,’ how else can they justify their action? Whatever social costume would make them acceptable; they are ready to change clothes.

Author: Madhu Sharma

I strongly believe that we Desi parents took ourselves out of the equation when we refused to accept the fact that our kids are normal – they have hormones – they do have relationships – they do date and mate.

For Desi girl the first so called relationship starts in teens. Parents are usually in dark. The relationship lasts for a year of two. The driving force for relationship is not the romance but more to get attention.

Vijay uncle wrote this article as a feedback to an article titled “Why Puppy Love Matters for Parents” published in Wall Street Journal.

When they move to college, there is ample time and opportunity to enjoy it. Being in the relationship is so important that she will put up with emotional, verbal, physical or sexual abuse.

Parents being completely out of the loop, there is no support structure. Usual counsel of friends is no substitute for mature objective advice of some trusted adult. The friends are also sailing in the same boat.

If any Desi parents knew how often their daughter fell for the guys they would never approve as Jamai they would have a heart attack. The guys from different caste, different part of India, different religion (Muslim boyfriend for Hindu girl), white, Mexican or black are quite common. In many cases it seems that daughter is subconsciously picking the guy who will give the biggest shock to the parents.

As time passes by the amount of energy and time needed to maintain relationship keeps escalating. The more she tries the more it falls apart. A dozen times she decides ‘it’s simply not worth it’ and wants to break up. However like an addicted person who cannot do without the drug she is not capable of breaking up on her own. Finally she is hurt very badly and breaks up with the guy! But this is not the end. Few weeks later in the early morning hours she suddenly misses him so much that they get back to gather. The process is repeated on an average of three times before she finally comes to the senses and breaks up with him for good.

For few who are lucky to find a boyfriend who treats them nicely, they manage to sabotage the relationship themselves. So many of them are attracted to bad boys that it is difficult to explain the phenomenon!

Here is the story of Desi boys.

 While in high school they had to work hard to get the attention of females specially with Desi parents guarding their angles. The situation changes when they go to college. Suddenly there are too many to choose from. The guys need a girlfriend to have hookup with. Or they may have a trophy girlfriend they feel so proud to show off with. In case of a trophy girlfriend the interest in the girl is very little when they are all by themselves. They are not into a long term relationship.

Somehow, bad boys do get a lot more attention from girls while those who are simple and straight forward get left behind. The guys and gals end up having different agenda: girls looking for a long term commitment while the bad boy for fun time only.

Arguments and fights start early on and escalate. Vast majority of fights are for trivial reasons. They fight about topics rather than important issues. Eventually one of the two decides it is time to call it off.

The cycle repeats every two to three years. Each successive relationship leaves a scar on both of them. Unfortunately, instead of learning as to how I can change myself for future, the energy is spent on how the other person was jerk. As time passes by they learn to enjoy the company of opposite gender to meet their needs. As long as the topic of commitment does not spring up there is a sense of harmony.

While this may not apply to some of them, the basic theme of our young men and women’s lives is so predictable that there is a definite pattern.

Coming back to parents’ involvement rather their attitude, I strongly believe that we Desi parents took ourselves out of the equation when we refused to accept the fact that our kids are normal – they have hormones – they do have relationships – they do date and mate.

Had we been more realistic and be able to discuss these issues with our kids many of the so called mistakes could have been avoided or minimized. The families in which the conversations about romance and sex takes place have lower incidences of abusive relationship – low self esteem and dysfunctional relationships.

To all Desi parents, time has come for us to accept that sex and romance does exist. It is time we sit down with our teenage daughters or granddaughters and talk about relationships – romance and sex! Time to talk about the birds and bees!

Author:Vijay uncle is the coolest Desi uncle in North America. He gives relationship advice and motivates youth to register to donate bone marrows.

This particular truth is followed by many people I know, specially the Jains or Swaminayans, who due to their fundamental commitment to non-violence, would not even consider a wonderful prospect in every other way as a prospect for marriage only based on one deal breaker – he/she is non-vegetarian!

So let us examine this personal truth.

Frankly when I was looking many moons ago I would have never considered a non vegetarian woman even if she were the last woman on the earth. At that time it was my personal truth. However, I must admit one year after my marriage while being on call every other night at Boston City Hospital I was eating meat!

Of course I rationalized in my head as to I had no choice etc. Here is an example of how Vijay Mehta of 1972 was different from the one in 1973. Looking back it should not have been a deal breaker but should have been in my preferred list. Non violence I was seeking for can be met by many other ways too. As a matter of fact, I have met many Jains who are strict vegetarians but commit a lot more acts of violence than expected from them.

a. Diet preference is a changeable characteristic. We should be mindful of the fact that someone who is vegetarian today may chose to eat meat later and vice versa.

b. It might have been fine in my times in India where I had hundreds of women to choose from to be so picky. My finding someone with all the qualities plus her being vegetarian was extremely high. Now, few decades later and thousands of miles away, it would be safe to say that by requiring that your spouse must be a vegetarian you might be ruling out 85-90% of prospects.

c. I personally know so many women and men who after falling in love with strict vegetarian have on their own changed into being a vegetarian. This is fine because they chose to change. In any alliance both parties are going to change as long as it is done by the mutual consent rather than force. It leads to healthy relationship.

d. I also talked to a fine woman who has made a career out of body building. For her eating carbohydrate rich vegetarian diet probably is a difficult if not impossible task. I can see why it would be important to her to be able to eat meat.

e. What may need to happen is that both sides frankly discuss the disparity in this fundamental value in life and how they would solve it as a couple and how they as a team will deal with the rest of the family who also might have strong views on the issue.

Moral: The moral of this story is it is not an absolute deal breaker for most of us and it is absolutely possible for two spouses to have different diet preferences. My wife did put up with my eating non vegetarian diet for a few decades and on one fine afternoon in 2001 for some inexplicable reason I chose to become a vegetarian again. So I am a born again “Vegetarian” been there, done that and decided it was not for me!

Remember flexibility and adaptability is far sexier than good looks. These characteristics will serve you for a much longer period. Some of the most dangerous people I have met in my life were too smart but too dogmatic.

That should be Deal Breaker!

Author:Vijay uncle is the coolest Desi uncle in North America. He gives relationship advice and motivates youth to register to donate bone marrows.

Author: Sneha Sharma edited Vijay uncle’s article.

One young lady asked, “do you have any opinions on whether girls born and raised in North America can get married and live with their in-laws soon after marriage?”

Girls born and raised in North America or western culture who get married and live with their in- laws after marriage!

It is definitely a big challenge. Our so called joint family concept worked reasonably well fifty years ago. It has slowly fallen apart in the land of its origin. Today’s empowered women who are capable of making their own money and managing their own affairs cannot be expected to live in the structure of a joint family with their in laws.

That being said I do see it working in different communities. Surti Leva Patels, come to mind as having the highest rate of joint family. But more and more the sons find a place to live separately but near the parents to assist in business and if necessary to provide the support.

I personally feel it is extremely difficult to merge two adult lives these days. Why complicate it with merging several more lives at the same time. A couple needs time to deal with their differences. My recommendation is for parents to encourage the youth to live alone; that way the relationship would not be harmed too much so 20 years from now when we are not able to manage our own affairs it would be easier to be with your daughter in law.

To the newly married my advice is to remember that the best gift you can give to your kids is to have the involvement of their grandparents in their life. So make sure you keep the grandparents on both sides as much as possible when you have your children. And for the couple, remember nothing beats free tender loving baby sitting by grandparents.

So, it is in best interest of everyone involved and especially the children that are going to arrive few years from now that we focus on the warms of the relationship rather than the geographical location of our daughter in law!

This is a very important issue and every potential couple needs to visit this. How do you take care of the parents of bride or groom when they are not able to manage their affairs? What are the expectations as to the place to live for a new daughter in law? As a matter of fact major difference in this area can be a deal breaker.

It is the job of the husband to assure that if his wife is not comfortable with the living arrangement he would be ready to move out of Daddy’s house. Unless of course he had clearly indicated his position otherwise to his wife before commitment.

To my comment, one girl responded:
I am in 100% agreement with you. I am glad that you have written what you have. This has been a recent struggle of mine in that I tend to be attracted to guys who after some time will let me know that they have to live with their parents after marriage — not because of finance or health, but just because the parents would feel hurt if they didn’t.

My dad keeps telling me, what the big deal! You can work it out. But in my heart I feel that I would find it very difficult. I think I can definitely work it out if I had to or put my mind to it…but I think it would definitely be difficult.

And my response to this young lady is:

Well tell your dad, Vijay Uncle thinks it is a big deal. Right now I am in the middle of three divorces where there is nothing wrong with the guy or a girl. But inability of the woman to put up with the rest of the family is playing the most toxic effect. The women in your generation will go out of way to do things for others but not by coercion and force.

Happiness is a lot more about perception than reality. If the newly arrived daughter by choice feels forced to adjust, it will only make it worse. If anyone is going to suggest ‘let us live with mom and dad’ – it has to be the woman.

And any Desi man who wants to get married this day and age needs to make this thing very clear to the prospective bride early on. Granted there are lots of parents who are like bargains, who will enhance your life. But let us face it, in the beginning a couple needs a private place to yell and scream without everyone participating in it.

And to me the biggest victim of this forced joint family is the groom; poor guy gets it from both sides.

Your dad is right in the sense that initially, it would hurt the feelings of your new parents by choice. But if you make a slight effort they will get un-mad in short period of time, when they realize that their son is actually happy. Forcing the situation on women these days is most likely be counterproductive – few exceptions notwithstanding. There are many different ways than living with your parents by choice to show that you love them and care for them!

As it is right now we have so much difficulty in getting the “miyan bibi to be razee” (your generation to find the right person, get married and stay happy). I urge all the thinking parents not to add one more obstacle to their happiness by requiring the new daughter in law to live with you.

Many traditional families fail to recognize how difficult it is for today’s self sufficient independent women to make the transition into traditional family situation, For the starters, would your 30 year old daughter prefer to live with you for the rest of the life if she were not married and she were working in the same town? I can practically write a book about it!

Do not get me wrong if everyone can get along and live together they get the most out of families. But it can not be forced upon.

Author:Vijay uncle is the coolest Desi uncle in North America. He gives relationship advice and motivates youth to register to donate bone marrows.

 Sneha Sharma edited Vijay uncle’s article.

                                     Question for Vijay Uncle

If a guy (call him unsure) is in his late 30’s and well settled in his career and is “seeing” someone, but it’s long distance so, technically don’t see each other often. They speak on a regular basis, and he makes the effort to call her…but he’s not sure about marriage. What should this female do?

a. Keep the options open and see other guys and tell the current guy?b. The guy (call him unsettled) is in his early 30’s and not sure about marriage because he is not well settled in his career. Is it right not to consider a guy at all who is not settled in his career?

Vijay Uncle: Let us talk about the unsure first. Here is the guy who is in his late 30’s, he is settled and still not sure if he is ready to marry or not! And I know a lot of guys like that. I think it is fine what he wants to do. But from a female perspective you need to figure out what you should do. The only person whose actions are under your control is YOU.

If you are in seriously looking mode, my advice is to “Run, Run, Run!” This loving caring man can be more hazardous to your health than some jerk you meet at a party. At least in case of the jerk your instinct would lead you to be proactive and move on.

He calls you on regular basis and that may come in your way to move on. Wishful thinking has burned many years of female life than you would like to admit. If you were his so-called girlfriend (if you are dumb enough to call yourself that) I would like you to look in the mirror and ask, “Dear, do you love yourself? If yes, why do you put up with the guy? What makes you think he is going to get in the game and make a decision in next month or a year or a decade? What about all the great guys you might be passing off while you are in wishful thinking mode for this guy? Are you really that desperate for this guy or you are also not ready to get in the mission to find the father of your future children?

My main concerns about this kind of ‘unsure guy’ are:
I don’t know if he is one of those guys who:
a. Can never make up his mind to commit
b. He may be too happy being single and is not sure if he wants to take the pain of commitment
c. He may be gay and in-a-closet so having a girlfriend may provide him a cover
d. He is meant to remain single for the rest of his life.

Regardless of what his reasons may be your job is to decide on your action. Frankly show him this post and ask his views on this one and go from what he says.

Message is clear – if this guy wants to chat that is fine. But go on serious guy hunting and move on. You are burning daylight – the ovum population is declining and sperms are losing their motility as we speak!!!

If you are one of those guys who is stringing a young woman for more than few months I would seriously love to hear from you and give me your perspective. Once you know she is in serious mode and you know very well that you are not the most decent thing to do is to tell her that I am not going to call you in your best interest.

Now let us talk about the unsettled guy: the one who is in his early 30’s. He is waiting to settle down before thinking of commitment and marriage. There are a lot of guys in this category.

Again what a 30 year old who is not quite settled in his job and career can do is to decide what he wants from life. I was married and fathered three children by the time I finished my surgical residency and my wife finished her residency. It was not a cake walk but looking back it shaped who we are today. You can get settled together as a couple and that is probably much better for relationship. My wife and I had many trying moments early on our marriage due to lack of resources but it was the vitamin that we needed. We managed those as a team.

What a seriously looking woman needs to know is: is this man playing waiting game, which is to mean that he is too comfy with the state of affairs. Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free? The question for you is, “are you also happy providing the free milk?”

So with this guy my suggestion would be to leave the ball in his court by telling him that you do find him a wonderful companion etc but he is too busy with his career at this moment. Should you in future be ready for commitment and I am still available, let me know. And move on. May be that is the kick he needs to jump start his battery. His answer can let you at least start looking elsewhere. Searching does not get any easier as time goes by.

Good Luck

   Author:Vijay uncle is the coolest Desi uncle in North America. He gives relationship advice and motivates youth to register to donate bone marrows.

  Sneha Sharma edited Vijay uncle’s article.