Dear Aunt Sassy,

My parents have been looking for a boy for me for quite some time and now they have finally found him. I have just talked to him a couple of times and I am not sure how to deal with this entire thing. I don’t really hate him but I don’t love him either. Our parents are getting impatient day by day and want us to get married soon. I am looking for a job and want to have work before I can marry this person about whom I know really little. My parents keep on telling me that I live in a dream land and my prince charming will not come out of thin air. All I want is a stable job before I can take this huge step. Am I asking for too much?

Highly Confused.

Dear Highly Confused,

It looks like you are not giving this guy a chance. Talk to him and find out what you really feel about him. As for the job, your parents are right, you will find it with the right set of skills. If this is the guy that you want to spend your life with, then you will have his support in your job hunt as well. Try circulating your resume instead of arguing with your folks. And are you sure that you are not just using ‘job hunt’ as an excuse to run away from this proposal? Ask yourself what truly is the matter. Money and financial stability won’t solve the ‘real’ problems that you might be avoiding at this time.

Love,

Aunt Sassy

Dear Aunt Sassy,

I am a 2^nd year university student and I recently started dating this girl. She is absolutely awesome. I like everything about her, but there is a slight problem. I am the one who always calls her (from my cell phone) and I always end up paying for our date (from subway fares, to theatre tickets to dinners). I know I sound like a miserly guy but believe me I am not. I am working in the summer to save some money for my uni fee but somehow I am not saving any. I love her a lot, but this dating business is getting too heavy on my pocket. I don’t want to break up AT ALL, but I don’t know what else to do either. If I try canceling a date, it would look as if I am breaking the deal.

Please help,

Financial Trouble.

Dear Financial Trouble,

I am having concerns about the way you are developing this relationship. You sound more like a slave than her boyfriend and she sounds like a spoiled princess or even worse a university gold digger. If you love her as much as you claim then it should not be a problem to discuss things. You are a STUDENT and that is your prime responsibility. Try talking to her about sharing expenses; you guys live in North America and not a village in South Asia. Don’t make money your ego and talk about splitting bills.  You will discover that communicating does magic to relationships and your pocket.

Love,

Aunt Sassy

Casual relationships are like placebos when you really need life saving medicine. It may not have harmful side effects but the time they eat up are harmful enough.

I am referring to those who are at a stage of looking for marriage. They run into what they think may be a good prospect – they strike up the conversation – and see or talk to each other frequently and think that they are in a relationship. This is a comfort zone for both of them. Because they both can honestly say, “ I am seeing someone.” They even go to spend some time to gather.

Only problem is that both of them are trying to figure out how to take the relationship to the next level. There are no defined rules – no referee! The relationship lasts 2-3 years and after many ups and downs (one more down than up for sure) they finally move on. To me that two to three years you spent is a big loss. The time wasted on this relationship could have been more productive in seriously looking elsewhere. It may leave one or both of them bruised and cynical.

For those who are seriously looking, the time is of essence. And to waste few years on a relationship with open-ended process is a big loss. I have personally talked to hundreds if not thousands and they have admitted retrospectively that there were definite sings of ultimate outcome within weeks. So by their own admission they did burn up valuable time.

You are absolutely right that ill effect of marriage is far severe and I do not propose jumping into marriage to save time. I am simply advocating that whatever information you need to come to the decision can be done more efficiently and one should avoid the waste of time and pain that comes with failed relationship.

If both of them are seriously looking what excuse they have for not being able to get all the information needed to make decision in few months and than either move on or move forward?

This is not about changing the society. Society will remain what it is. I would like to educate Desi woman in their mid 20’s today. They need to realize that their so-called relationship may be eating up her precious time. She is more likely to lose a decade only to find her at a great disadvantage in Desi marriage game when she wakes up five to ten years later.

Here are few of my personal observations

• Many Desi women did not have any idea of the price they would end up paying- a lost decade.

• Women pay a much heavier price than men for procrastinating.

• From men’s point of view the peak of attractiveness occurs at late twenties. Guys are more visual than girls. For Desi women your chance of finding someone better does not improve with age after a certain point.

• Every failed relationship leaves you more jaded and hurt.

• Men are more interested in physical part of sex and women more in emotional part, this puts women at a disadvantage. Women are far more motivated than men for a marriage or commitment.

• I am not recommending for women to become blunt and tell the guy I am not interested in anything but serious relationship. But smart women need to do a lot of introspection at mid 20’s and lay a plan for finding that special someone. This plan needs to be critically reviewed for its success or lack thereof every few months and be modified if necessary. And if that requires remaining painfully single for a while, be it.

• They need to be very clear about ‘fun track’ versus ‘future track.’ There is no denying of emotional and physical need. That is ‘physiology!’ But in process of satisfying your physiological need if you pay a heavy price ultimately then it is ‘pathology!’

Having so called ‘grey’ relationship could end up costing you a lot. More people are likely to know about it than you anticipate. This may dissuade sincere prospect to make a move on you. Wishful thinking you get into may prevent you from being able to see a great opportunity that may come your way. You may not even consider a great prospect suggested by your parents or family.

In response to, “the chances of the girl, who holds onto something casual and grey with him and has 0 expectations is more likely to get him to the mandap. Meanwhile, the one with self-respect, keeps going from one uncommitted man to the next”. I have a different perspective on this one. Only brainless girls have zero expectation. If you are that woman, I urge you to ask yourself a question – what the hell is wrong with me? Consider professional counseling.

Yes, there is a chance that a guy would move on to the next woman who is willing to go grey easily than one who insists on knowing where is the relationship heading. But, that is a blessing and not a curse. May be you need to move on to the one who has emotional intelligence to understand your perspective. Being labeled ‘difficult’ by a chalu guy is far better than being labeled ‘too easy’ by most of the guys.

By & large if after six months of serous relationship you are not making progress it is time to move on. This does not mean it is never going to happen. But by moving on both parties have a better chance or realizing what they may be letting go. Get out of your comfort zone.

Of course we all realize that different strokes for different folks. No single formula works for everyone. Depending upon your needs and situation you may have to adopt a strategy that meets your long term (long is the key word) as well as short term needs. The successful strategy is one that achieves as much as your long term need without paying a heavy price. At this point in time I believe that Desi Women are paying a very heavy price for a lost decade in so called ‘relationship!’

Author:Uncle Vijay Mehta

One of the most perplexing question I have had for years is this, “With all these hot looking women out there and many of them being highly motivated why is the man playing hard to get?’ My initial reaction was that they are simply waiting for the perfect one. What if they are so afraid that post marriage life is likely to be more pain than gain?

In past 40 years the Desi females have received an unparallel booster shot of empowerment – education -career – talent – independence- leadership ability. No matter what attribute you are looking at, the gains made by Desi females has far outpaced those made by Desi men. So it stands to reason that paradigm or male-female roles in Desi marriage have to changed too.

Gone are the days (my parents generation) where being male bestowed upon you the wisdom and intelligence and unchallenged authority. Next came females (my generation) who were raised knowing the social norm of male dominance. It was so ingrained in their psyche that they did not question the male dominance to the extent a western female would. However coming to North America allowed them to be as productive or sometimes far more productive than male counter parts. However these women by and large played a team role (even when she knew it that she was far superior and can easily show the door to the male). This allowed many men of my generation to still have their male ego not too badly bruised.

Now let us get to the current generation. The male child was generally pampered and treated as if he was the God’s gift to the family (after all he was going to maintain the family name). He was raised with his mom treating dad with respect and dignity (it was more a reflection of how mom was raised and what her norm of acceptable behavior was). So when this young man becomes an adult he does not realize that old model does not work at all. New woman is more expressive of her anger, displeasure or power.

De-masculization of men is happening for past 40-50 years in the western world. The empowered and now fearless women started standing up for their rights. Law supported females more than males (to level the playing field). Mother got preference over the father. The testosterone driven behavior was criminalized or looked down upon. With the women’s liberation a generation of ‘femi-nazi’ came in to existence. So many westerners would drop their jaw when they saw how our women were so willing to take a back seat – some of it was good while other was bad.

Here are some important observations in the article by Dr. Steve Kermode -”The Problem of Being Male.” Mind you he is writing about Australian men but understanding his point of view may give us some idea about Desi men too.

http://www.kindredcommunity.com/articles/the-problem-of-being-male/p/1111

“Our society is being systematically de-masculinised.

Men’s genetic inheritance, which has programmed them for physical strength, aggression, and rugged independence, is no longer relevant.

It is the de-masculinised Western cultures that have elevated it to epidemic status. Because testosterone-driven behaviour is now a liability in most social roles, men have had to rely on the power of money to maintain their position of social dominance. Economic dominance is the last bastion of patriarchy. It too will crumble as more and more women opt for independent economic security, and as marriage becomes irrelevant as a social institution.

It must be said that the data on suicide in Australia paint it as being predominantly a men’s issue. At a global level, studies have shown that countries with high suicide rates also have high divorce rates, high youth unemployment, high female employment, and high levels of alcohol consumption – all are factors which undermine the traditional social roles of men, and are symptomatic of the de-masculinisation process.

Men are, for instance, seen as the prime perpetrators of violence in domestic relationships. This is despite recent evidence from an analysis of over 70 research studies that indicates otherwise.

Women’s genetic inheritance has given them an advantage in areas where networking, emotional intimacy, communication and social support are useful tools. Men’s genetic inheritance, which has programmed them for physical strength, aggression, and rugged independence, is no longer relevant.

They learn the skills of emotional aggression while boys do not. Physical violence is illegal, whereas passive aggression and emotional violence are not.

Their jobs have become less relevant and less satisfying (if they are lucky enough to have one) through the process of casualisation and the death of single career work trajectories, and many men cannot sustain relationships because their role in relationships is not clear any more.

So many men feel so disconnected, so alienated and so isolated. Why do they know one thing with their heads, and feel something quite different with their hearts? Why can they not transfer their beliefs into their experience? There is a desperate need for many men to find ways to actively re-engage. Men are going to have to do it for themselves. It is up to men to reconstruct their own social reality. Women are already doing it for themselves and men have been left behind. The project of feminism, at least in the Western world, is well underway. The project of neo-masculinism is yet to begin.

Men are yearning for connectivity in a social context that alienates them, and once alienated, they have no skills to negotiate their way back. “

While I do not completely subscribe to Dr. Kermode’s views it does give us a different perspective just as Johny Venegal provided to us. Here is part of our conversation.

Johny Vengal “there is still a vital need only he can provide – be a loving, caring and understanding companion”

Awwww, how touching. Amidst the 16 comments on this (all of whom are women), I will take the risk of sticking my neck in traffic and offering a different viewpoint. anti-male feminist types- please take it out on someone else, not me, I’m not here to argue with people, just to offer a different point of view. Being loving, caring, and understanding are all great traits for any man to have and something all men should strive for but I’m afraid it sounds to me that what this “modern woman” wants is a de-masculinized man. This is very unfortunate and (in my opinion) is the reason why some men are not fulfilled in marriage.

On that note, it is very rare to find a guy who is anti-feminine. Even the most chauvinistic jerk, will still appreciate the beauty of femininity. However the opposite is not true at all. There are many women out there, who are just flat out anti-masculine. As a result, overall, men in our society (sadly) have been conditioned to lose their most masculine of traits and this “modern woman” wonders why she can’t find a real man.

Author:Uncle Vijay Mehta.

As a teacher, when one of my students can’t grasp a concept, I don’t keep repeating myself until the student understands. Sometimes, I have to change the way I teach something. Maybe this student needs a visual aid like a video or perhaps he needs to see more examples. This is a key to success in any field: when what you are doing isn’t working, try it differently.

I see this all the time. Just recently, Domino’s changed the recipe for their pizza. The new recipe was a success. By changing the way they make pizza, something Domino’s has been doing since the 1960s, they saw a huge increase in profits.

How many times has Coca Cola reinvented their product (Cherry Coke, Vanilla Coke, Coca Cola Zero, etc.)? Maybe only a few less times than Madonna has reinvented herself. In fact, she did a tour called the Reinvention Tour. Reinvention isn’t just a way to succeed; it’s a way to survive. If Madonna didn’t change from “material girl” to “Kabbalah Madonna”, it’s possible that her career would have fizzled out of existence.

The American approach to finding a mate has also followed this path. The old ways of meeting someone at a party or a bar weren’t yielding enough results. More people were and are finding themselves pushing 40 years old, still single. So not too long ago, people started looking online to meet people. But there is a lot of waiting around that comes with that. Waiting for someone to be interested in your profile, then waiting to meet the person while you correspond via e-mail or talk on the phone.

There had to be something else. Rachel Greenwald, a woman with an M.B.A. from Harvard wrote a book called Find a Husband After 35 (Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. In her book, Greenwald applies her knowledge of business to finding a husband, which includes “marketing”, “packaging”, and “advertising” yourself. The more difficult it has become for people to find a mate, the more creative people get!

Many women by the age of 35 have successful careers, but have had no success when it comes to marriage. Perhaps if they put the same amount of vigor into their search for a partner as they do in their work, they would find someone. Greenwald urges her readers to take action and put themselves out there. Instead of using their contacts to do business deals, use them to meet men.

How can we apply this to suit our needs? For the Muslims in America who are also looking for a mate and who are having just as much trouble as any other non-Muslim American, what is their new age way to finding a husband or wife?

MillanUS.com may have the answer. MillanUS is a premier matrimonial event service that holds live events for eligible Muslim singles to meet. Think about this: most professionals have to require conventions or conferences in order to stay updated on what is going on in their respective fields and to make contacts with other professionals. MillanUS has used these concepts to create this event.

At a MillanUS event, an attendee begins his/her day with a social hour to mingle with other singles. Then there is an introduction and icebreaker activity (perhaps you’ve had to play these types of games at your last corporate team building event.) These are followed by the main event, which are the one-on-one meetings. Each man and woman has 3-4 minutes to meet, speak briefly, and continue on to the next person. The day comes to a close with dinner and more mingling.

All the while, Islamic values are present during the event. The attendees at a MillanUS event all gave intentions of marriage. A major way that MillanUS keeps within traditional Islamic style is that family members are encouraged to attend the event to support the Muslim singles. So while MillanUS brings a completely modern approach to the Muslim matchmaking scene, good Islamic values are still an important part of the event.

If you attend a Madonna concert, she will still play her old hits like “Material Girl” and “Vogue,” but she will play her new music as well. It’s important to hold on to the past while moving on to the future; keep reinventing oneself in order to stay alive. MillanUS has reinvented the idea of arranged marriage by giving more freedom and ease to Muslim singles, while never severing ties with the most important aspects of finding a mate.

Questions? Comments? E-mail farrahmohsin@gmail.com

Author: Farha Mohsin

One of the most perplexing question I have had for years is this, “With all these hot looking and motivated women out there, why is the man-playing hard to get?” My initial reaction was that they are simply waiting for the perfect one. What if they are so afraid that post marriage life is likely to be more pain than gain?

In past 40 years Desi females have received an unparallel booster shot of empowerment – education -career – talent – independence- leadership-ability. No matter what attributes you are looking at, the gains made by Desi females have far outpaced those made by Desi men. So it stands to reason that paradigm of male/female roles in Desi marriages has to change too.

Gone are the days (my parents’ generation) where males were bestowed with the wisdom and the intelligence and an unchallenged authority. Next came females (my generation) who were raised knowing the social norm of male dominance. It was so ingrained in their psyche that they did not question the male dominance to the extent a western female would. However coming to North America allowed them to be as productive or sometime far more productive than their male counterpart. However these women by and large played a team role (even when she knew it that she was far superior and can easily show the door to the male). This allowed many men of my generation to have their male ego not bruised too badly.

Now let us come to the current generation. The male child was generally pampered and treated as if he was the God’s gift to family (after all he was going to maintain family name). He was raised with his mom treating dad with respect and dignity (it was more of a reflection of how mom was raised and what her norm of acceptable behavior was). So when this young man becomes an adult he does not realize that old model does not work at all. New woman is more expressive of her anger, displeasure, power and even love.

De-masculization of men is happening for past 40-50 years in the western world. The empowered and now fearless women started standing up for their rights. Law supported females more than males (to level the playing field). Mother got preference over the father. The testosterone driven behavior was criminalized or looked down upon. With the women’s liberation a generation of ‘femi-nazi’ came in to existence. So many westerners would drop their jaw when they saw how our women were so willing to take a back seat – some of it was good while other was bad.

Life is lot more about perception than reality. Your generation of males feels the shock and bewilderment because this drastic change happened in a short period of time.

Addressing this issue may be an important step towards encouraging many of the eligible bachelors who are standing on sideline for some time. I am working on “infra red’ discussion of this topic – any suggestions?

So here are the questions,
” Is it possible that modern Desi woman make it difficult or impossible for ‘a man to feel like a man?’
Could it be that reluctance to run to the ‘mandap’ may be in part due to the perceived notion that marriage will end the life as he has known it?
How can we evaluate this important issue during Infra red dating?

If it is any consolation to Desi men – consider yourself very very lucky. Look at your counterpart – white males. Over last few decades he has given up nearly 50% of educational achievement – 30% of corporate leadership to her. To add the insult to injury came highly motivated men and women from India and other countries! They have ceded so much both inside and outside the house. They have to marry the women who as a group are far less committed than Desi women. That is reality. So trick lies in figuring out a solution that both male and female can live with.

Author:Vijay uncle is the coolest Desi uncle in North America. He gives relationship advice and motivates youth to register to donate bone marrows

‘Culture’ is a relative term. It is always in flux, and it changes with places and time. We adopt new values; we shed the old ones and try to preserve our own identity. . It is already a hard task to define ‘accurately’ what culture means, or what we refer to when we use the term culture loosely. Here is a glimpse at a few definitions available across the web:

• particular society at a particular time and place;
• the tastes in art and manners that are favored by a social group
• acculturation: all the knowledge and values shared by a society
• the attitudes and behavior that are characteristic of a particular social group or organization

Culture becomes a yardstick while choosing the significant other. We toy with this word to define our own priorities and biases. I am not alone in this dilemma, while looking at the future marriage prospects.

Post modern marriage has its own culture, arrange marriage is frowned and mocked. It only exists in Elizabethan novels, desi auntie’s circles or old desi dramas. No one romanticizes the old school any more. We as a new generation want a life filled with options and choices. If I can choose the brand of my shoes then why not my husband?

Same words can convey different meanings. Their undertones, use and situation define their mere meaning. Can we define a love match arranged by parents as arranged? Or a matched profile found on shadi.com as love marriage? It seems like a seemingly absurd concept, in an ever evolving culture.

Growing up with the notions of “Feminism” (now whatever that term referred to) and the talks about male chauvinism, women were always discussed as the ‘victims’ when it came to the topic of marriage. Simone De Beauvoir was not the only one to have a feministic stance. In feministic literature women are depicted as the disadvantage party when it comes to love and marriage. Simone’s statement was not something new. Simone did assert that women are as capable of choice as men, and thus can choose to elevate themselves, and these days’ women have taken the step to turn that message into a practice.

Mail wives are not only a Russian phenomenon. Online websites, marriage bureaus and frequent trips to country of origin have made this a common phenomenon in western world. Immigrant population frequents their country of origin looking for suitable culturally equivalent matches. This practice has resulted not only in sociological problems but has led to forced legislation. In England this practice was dubbed as forced marriage. Now governments intervene if they find that their citizens are forced into tie by parents.

How to find a husband? It is like a holy grail every other girl is after. . We want choices and options.  But what happens to those who were raised with the concept that ‘parents find you the best match’ and found themselves amidst this new found independence when they came to this land ‘to choose themselves and to choose freely.”

These new concepts topple their life and they just could not grasp the criteria of ‘how to come across an eligible bachelor…”

Some blame post modern women of being ‘too picky’ or having ‘too high standards.’ Well whatever the reason might be, some just give up. The guy with the traditions and cultural morals is well bred ‘back home’ and if men can bring in wives from there then what’s wrong with bringing husbands from there too?

My answer: It is changing our sociology. When you bring in the husband, you pretty much are the one that is wearing the pants in the family. While that changes, then so does the entire ‘cultural’ structure of a household.

What are those men who want to come here looking for? The answers vary and seldom fulfill our desire and notion of romanticism. But as one girl simply put it, “I want kids and I need a father for them. If he’s ready to be that man, I am ready to adjust and compromise to any limit.”

I was shocked and disappointed. Are these women sacrificing themselves for even a worse reason? Being single, alone and old is a taboo among South Asians. So, due to social pressure South Asian women hear their biological clock ticking even louder and are ready to escape the taunts from ‘aunties’ and would do anything to wear the social costume of a ‘perfect’ girl, with a husband and a family. They are ready to oversee the troubles that would come their way, and are even ready to give up that newly acquired lesson of individualism they had recently learnt.

So yes, they import husbands and they present them as a result of a ‘love marriage,’ how else can they justify their action? Whatever social costume would make them acceptable; they are ready to change clothes.

Author: Madhu Sharma

I strongly believe that we Desi parents took ourselves out of the equation when we refused to accept the fact that our kids are normal – they have hormones – they do have relationships – they do date and mate.

For Desi girl the first so called relationship starts in teens. Parents are usually in dark. The relationship lasts for a year of two. The driving force for relationship is not the romance but more to get attention.

Vijay uncle wrote this article as a feedback to an article titled “Why Puppy Love Matters for Parents” published in Wall Street Journal.

When they move to college, there is ample time and opportunity to enjoy it. Being in the relationship is so important that she will put up with emotional, verbal, physical or sexual abuse.

Parents being completely out of the loop, there is no support structure. Usual counsel of friends is no substitute for mature objective advice of some trusted adult. The friends are also sailing in the same boat.

If any Desi parents knew how often their daughter fell for the guys they would never approve as Jamai they would have a heart attack. The guys from different caste, different part of India, different religion (Muslim boyfriend for Hindu girl), white, Mexican or black are quite common. In many cases it seems that daughter is subconsciously picking the guy who will give the biggest shock to the parents.

As time passes by the amount of energy and time needed to maintain relationship keeps escalating. The more she tries the more it falls apart. A dozen times she decides ‘it’s simply not worth it’ and wants to break up. However like an addicted person who cannot do without the drug she is not capable of breaking up on her own. Finally she is hurt very badly and breaks up with the guy! But this is not the end. Few weeks later in the early morning hours she suddenly misses him so much that they get back to gather. The process is repeated on an average of three times before she finally comes to the senses and breaks up with him for good.

For few who are lucky to find a boyfriend who treats them nicely, they manage to sabotage the relationship themselves. So many of them are attracted to bad boys that it is difficult to explain the phenomenon!

Here is the story of Desi boys.

 While in high school they had to work hard to get the attention of females specially with Desi parents guarding their angles. The situation changes when they go to college. Suddenly there are too many to choose from. The guys need a girlfriend to have hookup with. Or they may have a trophy girlfriend they feel so proud to show off with. In case of a trophy girlfriend the interest in the girl is very little when they are all by themselves. They are not into a long term relationship.

Somehow, bad boys do get a lot more attention from girls while those who are simple and straight forward get left behind. The guys and gals end up having different agenda: girls looking for a long term commitment while the bad boy for fun time only.

Arguments and fights start early on and escalate. Vast majority of fights are for trivial reasons. They fight about topics rather than important issues. Eventually one of the two decides it is time to call it off.

The cycle repeats every two to three years. Each successive relationship leaves a scar on both of them. Unfortunately, instead of learning as to how I can change myself for future, the energy is spent on how the other person was jerk. As time passes by they learn to enjoy the company of opposite gender to meet their needs. As long as the topic of commitment does not spring up there is a sense of harmony.

While this may not apply to some of them, the basic theme of our young men and women’s lives is so predictable that there is a definite pattern.

Coming back to parents’ involvement rather their attitude, I strongly believe that we Desi parents took ourselves out of the equation when we refused to accept the fact that our kids are normal – they have hormones – they do have relationships – they do date and mate.

Had we been more realistic and be able to discuss these issues with our kids many of the so called mistakes could have been avoided or minimized. The families in which the conversations about romance and sex takes place have lower incidences of abusive relationship – low self esteem and dysfunctional relationships.

To all Desi parents, time has come for us to accept that sex and romance does exist. It is time we sit down with our teenage daughters or granddaughters and talk about relationships – romance and sex! Time to talk about the birds and bees!

Author:Vijay uncle is the coolest Desi uncle in North America. He gives relationship advice and motivates youth to register to donate bone marrows.

This particular truth is followed by many people I know, specially the Jains or Swaminayans, who due to their fundamental commitment to non-violence, would not even consider a wonderful prospect in every other way as a prospect for marriage only based on one deal breaker – he/she is non-vegetarian!

So let us examine this personal truth.

Frankly when I was looking many moons ago I would have never considered a non vegetarian woman even if she were the last woman on the earth. At that time it was my personal truth. However, I must admit one year after my marriage while being on call every other night at Boston City Hospital I was eating meat!

Of course I rationalized in my head as to I had no choice etc. Here is an example of how Vijay Mehta of 1972 was different from the one in 1973. Looking back it should not have been a deal breaker but should have been in my preferred list. Non violence I was seeking for can be met by many other ways too. As a matter of fact, I have met many Jains who are strict vegetarians but commit a lot more acts of violence than expected from them.

a. Diet preference is a changeable characteristic. We should be mindful of the fact that someone who is vegetarian today may chose to eat meat later and vice versa.

b. It might have been fine in my times in India where I had hundreds of women to choose from to be so picky. My finding someone with all the qualities plus her being vegetarian was extremely high. Now, few decades later and thousands of miles away, it would be safe to say that by requiring that your spouse must be a vegetarian you might be ruling out 85-90% of prospects.

c. I personally know so many women and men who after falling in love with strict vegetarian have on their own changed into being a vegetarian. This is fine because they chose to change. In any alliance both parties are going to change as long as it is done by the mutual consent rather than force. It leads to healthy relationship.

d. I also talked to a fine woman who has made a career out of body building. For her eating carbohydrate rich vegetarian diet probably is a difficult if not impossible task. I can see why it would be important to her to be able to eat meat.

e. What may need to happen is that both sides frankly discuss the disparity in this fundamental value in life and how they would solve it as a couple and how they as a team will deal with the rest of the family who also might have strong views on the issue.

Moral: The moral of this story is it is not an absolute deal breaker for most of us and it is absolutely possible for two spouses to have different diet preferences. My wife did put up with my eating non vegetarian diet for a few decades and on one fine afternoon in 2001 for some inexplicable reason I chose to become a vegetarian again. So I am a born again “Vegetarian” been there, done that and decided it was not for me!

Remember flexibility and adaptability is far sexier than good looks. These characteristics will serve you for a much longer period. Some of the most dangerous people I have met in my life were too smart but too dogmatic.

That should be Deal Breaker!

Author:Vijay uncle is the coolest Desi uncle in North America. He gives relationship advice and motivates youth to register to donate bone marrows.

Author: Sneha Sharma edited Vijay uncle’s article.

One young lady asked, “do you have any opinions on whether girls born and raised in North America can get married and live with their in-laws soon after marriage?”

Girls born and raised in North America or western culture who get married and live with their in- laws after marriage!

It is definitely a big challenge. Our so called joint family concept worked reasonably well fifty years ago. It has slowly fallen apart in the land of its origin. Today’s empowered women who are capable of making their own money and managing their own affairs cannot be expected to live in the structure of a joint family with their in laws.

That being said I do see it working in different communities. Surti Leva Patels, come to mind as having the highest rate of joint family. But more and more the sons find a place to live separately but near the parents to assist in business and if necessary to provide the support.

I personally feel it is extremely difficult to merge two adult lives these days. Why complicate it with merging several more lives at the same time. A couple needs time to deal with their differences. My recommendation is for parents to encourage the youth to live alone; that way the relationship would not be harmed too much so 20 years from now when we are not able to manage our own affairs it would be easier to be with your daughter in law.

To the newly married my advice is to remember that the best gift you can give to your kids is to have the involvement of their grandparents in their life. So make sure you keep the grandparents on both sides as much as possible when you have your children. And for the couple, remember nothing beats free tender loving baby sitting by grandparents.

So, it is in best interest of everyone involved and especially the children that are going to arrive few years from now that we focus on the warms of the relationship rather than the geographical location of our daughter in law!

This is a very important issue and every potential couple needs to visit this. How do you take care of the parents of bride or groom when they are not able to manage their affairs? What are the expectations as to the place to live for a new daughter in law? As a matter of fact major difference in this area can be a deal breaker.

It is the job of the husband to assure that if his wife is not comfortable with the living arrangement he would be ready to move out of Daddy’s house. Unless of course he had clearly indicated his position otherwise to his wife before commitment.

To my comment, one girl responded:
I am in 100% agreement with you. I am glad that you have written what you have. This has been a recent struggle of mine in that I tend to be attracted to guys who after some time will let me know that they have to live with their parents after marriage — not because of finance or health, but just because the parents would feel hurt if they didn’t.

My dad keeps telling me, what the big deal! You can work it out. But in my heart I feel that I would find it very difficult. I think I can definitely work it out if I had to or put my mind to it…but I think it would definitely be difficult.

And my response to this young lady is:

Well tell your dad, Vijay Uncle thinks it is a big deal. Right now I am in the middle of three divorces where there is nothing wrong with the guy or a girl. But inability of the woman to put up with the rest of the family is playing the most toxic effect. The women in your generation will go out of way to do things for others but not by coercion and force.

Happiness is a lot more about perception than reality. If the newly arrived daughter by choice feels forced to adjust, it will only make it worse. If anyone is going to suggest ‘let us live with mom and dad’ – it has to be the woman.

And any Desi man who wants to get married this day and age needs to make this thing very clear to the prospective bride early on. Granted there are lots of parents who are like bargains, who will enhance your life. But let us face it, in the beginning a couple needs a private place to yell and scream without everyone participating in it.

And to me the biggest victim of this forced joint family is the groom; poor guy gets it from both sides.

Your dad is right in the sense that initially, it would hurt the feelings of your new parents by choice. But if you make a slight effort they will get un-mad in short period of time, when they realize that their son is actually happy. Forcing the situation on women these days is most likely be counterproductive – few exceptions notwithstanding. There are many different ways than living with your parents by choice to show that you love them and care for them!

As it is right now we have so much difficulty in getting the “miyan bibi to be razee” (your generation to find the right person, get married and stay happy). I urge all the thinking parents not to add one more obstacle to their happiness by requiring the new daughter in law to live with you.

Many traditional families fail to recognize how difficult it is for today’s self sufficient independent women to make the transition into traditional family situation, For the starters, would your 30 year old daughter prefer to live with you for the rest of the life if she were not married and she were working in the same town? I can practically write a book about it!

Do not get me wrong if everyone can get along and live together they get the most out of families. But it can not be forced upon.

Author:Vijay uncle is the coolest Desi uncle in North America. He gives relationship advice and motivates youth to register to donate bone marrows.

 Sneha Sharma edited Vijay uncle’s article.

                                     Question for Vijay Uncle

If a guy (call him unsure) is in his late 30’s and well settled in his career and is “seeing” someone, but it’s long distance so, technically don’t see each other often. They speak on a regular basis, and he makes the effort to call her…but he’s not sure about marriage. What should this female do?

a. Keep the options open and see other guys and tell the current guy?b. The guy (call him unsettled) is in his early 30’s and not sure about marriage because he is not well settled in his career. Is it right not to consider a guy at all who is not settled in his career?

Vijay Uncle: Let us talk about the unsure first. Here is the guy who is in his late 30’s, he is settled and still not sure if he is ready to marry or not! And I know a lot of guys like that. I think it is fine what he wants to do. But from a female perspective you need to figure out what you should do. The only person whose actions are under your control is YOU.

If you are in seriously looking mode, my advice is to “Run, Run, Run!” This loving caring man can be more hazardous to your health than some jerk you meet at a party. At least in case of the jerk your instinct would lead you to be proactive and move on.

He calls you on regular basis and that may come in your way to move on. Wishful thinking has burned many years of female life than you would like to admit. If you were his so-called girlfriend (if you are dumb enough to call yourself that) I would like you to look in the mirror and ask, “Dear, do you love yourself? If yes, why do you put up with the guy? What makes you think he is going to get in the game and make a decision in next month or a year or a decade? What about all the great guys you might be passing off while you are in wishful thinking mode for this guy? Are you really that desperate for this guy or you are also not ready to get in the mission to find the father of your future children?

My main concerns about this kind of ‘unsure guy’ are:
I don’t know if he is one of those guys who:
a. Can never make up his mind to commit
b. He may be too happy being single and is not sure if he wants to take the pain of commitment
c. He may be gay and in-a-closet so having a girlfriend may provide him a cover
d. He is meant to remain single for the rest of his life.

Regardless of what his reasons may be your job is to decide on your action. Frankly show him this post and ask his views on this one and go from what he says.

Message is clear – if this guy wants to chat that is fine. But go on serious guy hunting and move on. You are burning daylight – the ovum population is declining and sperms are losing their motility as we speak!!!

If you are one of those guys who is stringing a young woman for more than few months I would seriously love to hear from you and give me your perspective. Once you know she is in serious mode and you know very well that you are not the most decent thing to do is to tell her that I am not going to call you in your best interest.

Now let us talk about the unsettled guy: the one who is in his early 30’s. He is waiting to settle down before thinking of commitment and marriage. There are a lot of guys in this category.

Again what a 30 year old who is not quite settled in his job and career can do is to decide what he wants from life. I was married and fathered three children by the time I finished my surgical residency and my wife finished her residency. It was not a cake walk but looking back it shaped who we are today. You can get settled together as a couple and that is probably much better for relationship. My wife and I had many trying moments early on our marriage due to lack of resources but it was the vitamin that we needed. We managed those as a team.

What a seriously looking woman needs to know is: is this man playing waiting game, which is to mean that he is too comfy with the state of affairs. Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free? The question for you is, “are you also happy providing the free milk?”

So with this guy my suggestion would be to leave the ball in his court by telling him that you do find him a wonderful companion etc but he is too busy with his career at this moment. Should you in future be ready for commitment and I am still available, let me know. And move on. May be that is the kick he needs to jump start his battery. His answer can let you at least start looking elsewhere. Searching does not get any easier as time goes by.

Good Luck

   Author:Vijay uncle is the coolest Desi uncle in North America. He gives relationship advice and motivates youth to register to donate bone marrows.

  Sneha Sharma edited Vijay uncle’s article.