People marry once. Get creamed in the name of law. Get clobbered in the name of God. Some actually manage to wriggle free by getting a divorce. Phew! The nightmare’s finally over. They become subject of my envy.

But hell, no!

They want to marry again!

I want to ask all those who are looking to settle down once again (or maybe a third time)—what are you guys THINKING?

Did you just hear ‘THIS IS IT’ bells ringing around your head, or are you just attracting punishment again? Are you thinking that this time, for sure, you’ve found the man/woman of your dreams? That this time he’ll/she’ll not snore?  That there’ll be a different smell coming from the kitchen?  That the bathroom seat will be lowered?

That he will wipe your tears? That she will understand your need for space? That this time, since she’s ‘older’ and ‘wiser’, she’ll not collar you up against the wall when you come home late? That this time, since he is ‘sober’ and ‘mature’, he’ll not eye the woman next door or come home stone drunk?

What are you folks thinking? That this marriage of yours will surely work out and you’ll find eternal bliss… finally?

Run for your lives, guys, if you have opened an account with one of those umpteen portals declaring eternal happiness for all those who want to get run over by a truck a second time… RUN! Did you know that when a fairy-tale ends with the line, “And they lived happily ever after”,… the tale actually begins from this point?

Marrying a second time is like a murderer returning to the scene of a crime. If you are still confused, you are in luck! Sit back and keep reading.

Marrying a second time may raise your hopes of a “new beginning” all over again as you find so many beautiful things about your second partner as against your previous one. It’s natural for you to compare; you can never get over the first. He/she will always be at the back of your mind, so don’t even try to get over that.

Soon, however, begins the reverse comparison. How your previous partner would do things that your present partner never does. Honestly, this thought would cross a woman’s mind more often than a man’s. A woman’s mind is a tricky thing! And you already know about that.

Next comes altering habits you had taken for granted in your first marriage. Sticking up your hair in a bun, for instance. Or scratching your oversized paunch. You won’t be able to do these with the freedom you did earlier.

Then, of course, there is the sticky issue of the two, three, four families surrounding both of you—with whom you have to almost share portions of yourself to keep peace.

There are so many other things in life you can experiment with—jobs, for instance. You can try out a job, and if you don’t like it, you can quit. And find another. You don’t have to have babies, for goodness sake, in jobs! You can just resign and find a better job.

But you can’t resign from a marriage! Not again and again!

Women, may I suggest something? Get a cat.  It’s so much better. You can snuggle up to one in the bed if you are lonely. You have a much less annoying, low-cost companion. Men, you can go for dogs. Big dogs that wag their tails whenever you return home. They are always so happy to see you. Not like your wife who remembers three things whenever she sees you: Money, money and money!

I mean, think about it. You can pull out your clothing from under a rubble of clothes without any high-pitched, hyperbolic objection.

I am probably the last soul on earth qualified to discuss second marriages as I only suffered (read: am suffering) it once. However, whether you want to remarry before the seven-year itch or after a 15-year hitch, keep in mind that statistics indicate that though 75 per cent of people who get divorced the first time eventually remarry, 60 to 70 per cent of all remarriages end in divorce. So it’s an egg-and-chicken cycle.

This, when there are no children involved.

With children, evidently from both sides, this re-marital meal gets really delicious. Acting as constant reminders and as connection to the marriage that went haywire, you are now playing the role of a superhero/heroine. Now you technically have two husbands and two wives (or three) and several children. You are managing the emotions of two/three/four families with yourself sitting in the center of the pie-graph. An enviable job, indeed. Everyone should experience this at least once in a lifetime.

And people also do eight-hour real jobs on top of all this?

By Kaberi Chatterjee

Interesting Facts About Marriage

1. Due to jobs, kids, TV, the Internet, hobbies, and home and family responsibilities, the average married couple spends just four minutes a day alone together.
2. Over 75% of people who marry partners from an affair eventually divorce.
3. Marrying younger than age 25 dramatically raises the divorce risk. Also, the divorce risk is higher when the woman is much older than the man, though the reverse isn’t as a strong factor.
4. The average married couple has sex 58 times per year, or slightly more than once a week.
5. The word “wife” is likely from the Proto-Indo-European root weip (“to turn, twist, wrap”) or ghwibh, which has a root meaning “shame” or “pudenda.”
6. The word “husband” is from the Old Norse husbondi or “master of the house” (literally, hus “house” + bondi “householder, dweller”).
7. A person’s level of education influences the age at which they marry. Couples tend to marry later in states with higher numbers of college-educated adults, while the opposite is true for states with lower education levels.
8. The probability of a first marriage ending in a divorce within 5 years is 20%, but the probability of a premarital cohabitation breaking up within 5 years is 49%. After 10 years, the probability of a first marriage ending is 33%, compared with 62% for cohabitations.
9. Approximately $6 billion in revenue is lost by American businesses as a result of decreased worker productivity linked to marriage hardship. Employees in a happy marriage, in contrast, tend to increase a company’s bottom line.

1. CNN reports that the current economy is the biggest stress on married couples in the past 60 years.

♥ SHE MAYBE VERY SPECIAL AND GOD’S GIFT FOR U ♥

My teenage son is allergic to girls. He thinks they are redundant in his life and will only complicate life for him. Yet he reads up so much of girl-reports that I begin to think he is actually afraid of the emotion of ‘love’.

Don’t be. It’s beautiful actually. To be able to think of her when you wake up, to be able to see her smiling and running down to meet you when you need her, to be able to feel her beside you when you go to sleep…It’s beautiful. This emotion of love.

But hell! When does that happen? The moment you wake up you have had five missed calls from her and three texts. It is Sunday noon, and you had a right to sleep.

But how could you have slept on with her waiting for your call since morning? You barely open your eyes and there she is, calling: “Hello…” you say in groggy voice.

“What the hell! Why don’t you take my calls? You’ve been sleeping? Did you have a late night yesterday? Did you go out with that woman? I told you we were supposed to…”

No. She definitely does not fit in as the woman of your dreams. Half of your brain decides to move on. The other half is scheming how to do it.

And they say that a man leaves a woman for other women?

Love is beautiful. Like chinaware. Treat it carefully, and it will last forever. Bash it, smash it, and it will break into tiny pieces. Even if you mend it, the cracks will remain. But to cherish it, you need to understand why women act the way they do.

She starts thinking she owns you. She possesses you. She treats you like a baby. That’s because she loves you. But she doesn’t know how to express it. She had been dreaming of you all night and thinking of you ever since she opened her eyes. And then, she’s been counting the hands of the clock for you to call. No calls. She calls you. No answer. She waits. She calls again. No answer. The hands of the clock tick on. She texts you. Her love for you turns into anxiousness, into anger, into suspicion. She calls you again, and again; texts you twice again. She is suspecting you are with someone and you don’t want to take calls from her. You can imagine the fury that’s built up within her by now. And then when you take her call, she just explodes!

There’s only one way to handle her at that time. Just listen. Don’t take anything she says seriously. Let her cool off. Sympathize with her. Nod. Let her anger melt into tears. She’ll be sorry in seconds. Then tell her, “I love you. I am sorry I overslept. I’ll meet you in an hour.”

Believe me. This is the only way. There may be other attractive fishes in the sea, but they are all of the same kind. All girls are the same. They are all from a different planet you have no clue of.

It’s very rare that you love and find love in the same person. You are the lucky man. Hold onto your girl with all your might.

Might. Yes, that’s one thing women love in you. Not much in the physical sense. More in an arbitrary sense.  Like opening the door for her, carrying her groceries, pulling out her chair, offering her the drink first and things like that. It’s not that she cannot do them herself. But you are her man. She wants to sink in your ‘might’. Your woman will expect this from you even when you are 90 and she is 95!

I recently came across a beautiful piece on Facebook you might want to make a note of.

When a girl WALKS for miles to see you….

When a girl SAYS SORRY even though she didn’t do anything…

When a girl CRIES because she still loves/misses u….

When a girl still TRIES TO GET YOU BACK…

When a girl, no matter how much YOU HURT HER, STILL LOVES YOU…

When a girl STOPS her argument with her guy to make her relationship SAFE…

When a girl continuously MAKES U FEEL SPECIAL and TRIES TO MAKE U HAPPY…

When a girl is upset but DOES NOT tell u as she thinks she is ANNOYING U…..

When a girl wants to LEAVE u because of your RUDE BEHAVIOUR but she is not able to do…

DONOT LET HER GO, because U MAY NEVER FIND SOMEONE LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN.

♥ SHE MAYBE VERY SPECIAL AND GOD’S GIFT FOR U ♥

By Kaberi Chatterjee

Though teenagers Benjamin and Susan were classmates; they never knew each other beyond an early morning “Hey” during rush class time. They had different subjects and never dreamed of interacting with each other. However, they spotted each other on a social networking site during their evenings and started chatting.

An immediate chemistry sparked off between them as they found out that their views and attitudes about the world around them were similar. In a world where teenagers are so alienated from each other due to variations in cultures and attitudes, Benjamin and Susan found they had so many common things to relate to. From being acquaintances, within a month, they were into a relationship. As anticipated, their virtual relationship soon turned real, and they began seeing each other.

Over the past few decades, the power of internet has grown so much into our lives, that it has effectively replaced real-life encounters. Casual meetings at cafes, simple board games, and weekend trips to the local library are slowly diminishing. The current generation has begun to usher in a plethora of online networking sites, including Facebook, Twitter and MySpace. This frenzy of social networking inevitably encourages the formation of virtual relationships. Internet friends that have never met in real life, or intimate online relationships that seem nonexistent when the two individuals meet in-person.

Why is virtual relationship getting so contagious?

Sense of privacy and freedom: Virtual relationships are making headway over real-life relationships. Psychological understanding of this is that when two people sit behind the safety of computer screens, knowing that they can log-off any time and befriend a person anytime, a sense of freedom and privacy reigns, which aids the relationship to take flight. We all know that freedom in a relationship helps it grow. One feels less conscious about oneself, and in the process, one’s true self often emerges. Many a times, online friends talk about things that they would never dream about talking to a real-life person, let alone, to a complete stranger.

Staying connected: The most appealing feature of the internet is staying connected with lost friends and family whom you hardly meet, without the effort of picking up the phone or driving over. Friends, family, schoolmates, and co-workers are only a few minutes away from a wall post or private message. Virtual relationships are often the only way of contacting friends from other states and countries.

Convenient: Because of the increasing influence of technology in our lives, computers make multitasking much easier. Simultaneously sending an email, instant messaging ten friends, shopping online, and checking your Facebook hardly takes any effort. It’s fun! Two friends that do not interact in real life may instant message each other until 1:00 AM, simply because it is more convenient.

How’s virtual relationship harming you?

Cyber-stalking With personal information and your current relationship updates posted on social profiles, you may become a soft target for stalkers, even on a minor level. However, what you post and you want to let the world know is in your hands. So don’t type anything on computer that you don’t want people to know.

Laziness The laziness that creeps in due to the convenience of virtual connection may deter you from making a real life effort to meet the person and sustain the relationship. The strength of a relationship can be threatened.

Disconnection from reality Research has shown that addiction to online networking is a direct cause of unproductiveness, social depression, loneliness, and an overall alienation from reality. In general, many become more wrapped-up in virtual relationships, as opposed to relationships they could be developing in real life.

Do we need to differentiate it from real relationships?

Even in a virtual setting, the person on the other end is a human, with all the emotions and characteristics of a real person. So where is the difference?

It is said that the problem with virtual relationships is that they are apparently not real. The information which two people share with each other virtually can be controlled in a way that one only knows about the other what that person wants them to know. This can mean that a very false impression of a person can be built up in a virtual relationship.

Conversely, this can happen in real life too. In real life, too, we control what we want our friends to know and what we don’t. In real life, we take years to get to know a person fully: reading about their sun-signs, their moon signs and, and lately, their Chinese zodiac signs. We try to assemble all the qualities and then decide whether we should go ahead with the relationship or not.

So it is in the case of a virtual relationship.

The increasing popularity of the Internet in recent years has seen the advent of millions of virtual relationships. There are scores of relationships and even marriages which sparked off from virtual friendships. However, it is imperative, that anyone who does engage in a virtual relationship does so with their eyes open at all times. They must take all of the above factors into account and know that while there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a virtual relationship, in many instances, if they are not careful, the dangers can sometimes cause them insurmountable problems in the real world.

Kaberi Chatterjee

Words cannot describe how much I love you, thus making the writing of a love letter that much more tedious and unnecessary. However, I understand that reading these words will mean a great deal to you.

Although, personally I feel a PowerPoint presentation empirically outlining the reasons for why I have selected you as a mate would be far more romantic. Such a presentation would provide you with valuable information that could lead to an increase in UOL (Units of Love). For example, your recent reduction in body mass has led to in increase of 3 UOL. However, the meeting of your family has led to a decrease of 5 UOL. Not to sound sappy, but despite your recent UOL performance I still feel that your love is a solid long term investment. God, I want to shake your hand so badly right now; firm and business like. Yeah girl, you know how Daddy likes it.

Below is a poem that I have written for you. The italicized writing under each line of poetry gives a literal interpretation of my sentiments. This precautionary measure ensures that you do not falsely over estimate your current UOL.

You are the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen.

Outside of severe mental delusion, this is statistically impossible. I have not encountered every woman in the world, and thus making such a claim would be unfounded in logic.

With each passing day I love you more and more

This is just untrue. Your recent performance shows a loss of 2 UOL. Shape up.

You are truly a gift from God

You are the result of biological entropy.

This is all straight from the heart

Both Wikipedia and Google were used heavily.

I will be with you forever.

The current rate of divorce is at 51%.

Twitter: @iambillal

Blog: iambillal.wordpress.com

By Billal Sarwar

Toronto

I’m so tired of listening to my family saying how come it still has not worked for you? I don’t feel encouraged by all these comments. South Asian parents and guardians feel they elevate someone’s motivation by negative feed forward talk, but for me it’s worked quite the opposite.

I have done a lot of reading on dating and men/women psyche’s…..and one very useful site is womenshappiness.com by Dr. Paul who is a psychoanalyst. He throws some amazing insight into dating/relationships/marriage from both a man and woman’s perspective. From that I’ve learned, to spot a good match early on and not continue too far into dating if it does not feel right. Also he mentions how the initial attraction is also important to be able to move onto a bonding stage which develops much later for guys than girls.  But he states it’s important to date a few guys, to decide who is the right character match for you. He also states that a man of opposite emotional polarity is better for you. (If I’m a stronger personality, someone of a milder personality will be a better match for me and he needs to have similar beliefs, values and good boundaries). See website KWML.com for personality tests. I’ve noticed this has been so true among most friends and family partnerships. Anyways, I won’t go into the details.

I have this intuition that a big change is happening with our generation, and marriage may become a thing of the past. People of our generation  (30′s) are fearful of taking the plunge, men are fearful of being chivalrous and pursuing a woman. Women with their big careers, make it appear that they don’t need men, but we do, we do need men!!!…To me, this is the biggest change because by instinct men are providers and women are nurturers. Society has changed so much, and is still changing. I’ve realized that successful career is not everything, it’s also about love, family, kids, living life happily with what you have.

Now the big question. I’ve noticed nowadays, guys don’t want to invest time and money to fly somewhere to go see a woman. Back in the day, a man courted a woman who lived in his town. I think to some degree, a man who chooses wisely to invest his time and money is a man with good boundaries. But by the same token, my family tells me, “what’s wrong with you, why don’t you go there and meet the guy?” I’m thinking that’s a lot of time and resources to spend. It’s almost like I’m taking on the role of a guy. Also, I sincerely feel that unless two people are very much invested, and have amazing chemistry by seeing each other’s pictures and talking on the phone, they are most likely not going to invest the time and resources to fly a distance. What do you think?

Another scenario, cam that long distance thing work… if those two people met at a conference/wedding and are physically felt attracted, then I can see them investing that kind of time/resources. I’ve seen this happen to friends.

Distance I think plays a big role. 90% of my friends who have met someone were at two hours’ max distance or in the same city. I feel that relationships that work long distance is when all kinds of bonding including commitment has happened all at once in a short period of time if it started off as a long distance relationship but all other elements such as attraction, similar beliefs/values were in place. Would love your two cents on this.

I’m writing all this to you because, sometimes I’m so exhausted trying so hard for seven years!!!! I’m so tired of listening to my family saying how come it still has not worked for you? I don’t feel encouraged by all these comments. South Asian parents and guardians feel they elevate someone’s motivation by negative feed forward talk, but for me it’s worked quite the opposite. I feel like not sharing any more with them, my experiences, for fear that they’ll say something else that will hurt me.

On the contrary, I feel more “ALIVE” when I do things I like to do passionately, paint, scrap book etc…and I realize I attract more people to me when I am in that state of mind. I think sometimes, we have to believe in the Universe/God that eventually things are meant to work out for us when it’s meant to, and we can’t stop living life!!! I’m also considering dating non-Indian guy now. What’s your take on all this??

Sorry for pouring out, but I thought, that you may want to hear from someone like me and know what thoughts run through our mind!!!

Thanks again for all that you do, you are a blessing!!!

Take care,

- Seriously looking for Seven Years

Hi,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this important subject. You are absolutely correct that most women are too busy building the career till late twenties. They fall in a comfort zone having lots of desi singles around. Casual dating is not that difficult. So mangy of them think that eventually they will run into some nice guy and settle down.

Once they start in serious mode to look for a spouse, however, the playing field is very frustrating. You may like the guy but does he like you? Even if both of you did feel some chemistry are you meeting all those check list of each other (age, religion, diet, state of India, language, cast, education, financial status just to name a few). Next are you both in serious mode or one in window shopping mode and the other in serious mode. How do you know that guy or gal you are developing feeling for does not have other prospects that may be front runners? Add tremendous pressure from family and clicking biological clock and you have a recipe for the greatest challenge of your life.

As far as investing the time and money to meet the prospective guy or gal is concerned I think investment is the right way to look at it (as long as both are in serious mode). In my opinion it does not have to be a guy or girl who travels – best is if both of them can alternate. In certain situation when one has job obligations that make traveling impossible it is fine for the other party to travel more. On few occasions I have suggested the ticket to be paid by the one who can not travel. But in a big scheme of things I do not feel it is that important. Such details can be negotiated by both parties.

I am in favor of going global specially when out desi minds are too fixated on certain curb criteria that makes it nearly impossible for some men and women to find a decent prospect. But I have found that even that is not an easy solution. Many westerners do not get our concept of fast tracking commitment – marriage before the child is brought in the world. But it is something one should be open to specially after a year or two of seriously looking. I was extremely happy when one of the young lady I was familiar with did marry a white man because i had a hunch that Desi Guys were not likely to look at the total package.

Toxic influence of the family: you are correct, many desi parents have no clue as to the effect of their comments on young men and women who are seriously looking. Too often they are negative force in this frustrating process. It is absolutely ok to have a civilized and firm conversations with them and letting them know in no uncertain terms as to what is not acceptable.

As far as believing in Universe/God is concerned – I believe that after you have done your best it is ok to accept the results and make the most of situation. But, please do not use God as an excuse of not putting all the efforts you can. After all this is single most important mission of your life.

Good luck. I hope you full better soon and get ready to go to our Two Mangoes.com and encourage all others you know, who are seriously looking to join us.

I hope others will also share their wisdom on these subjects.

~Vijay Uncle

By VijayUncle Mehta

As I have said many times before, we all have our personal truths. These personal truths are based on our DNA, life experiences, background, education, peer (Samaj) generated, or our personal biases do play a major role in our decision making. To me personal truths are like our spouses. We can’t live without them and some times we can’t live with them! I simply can’t imagine life without my wife but there are moments where I have a trouble surviving with her! (Shhh, make sure you do not go tell her!)

What I propose we do is this. We start out with our personal truth – because that is what we have believed to be true and over all has served us well, but at the same time we put it under the microscope and critically examine if it is really true or not. This is a very difficult (and for some of us it is an impossible) process.

Personal truth should not be changed from outside forces but it must happen from our core. Only role the others need play is to point out the alternative truth and then you need to engage into the hard part. Question your personal truth and figure out if they need stay or go! The most important test you need to apply is to question. “Does this truth serve my long term need?” or “Does this particular truth serve me or screw me?”

Once you identify the need to change the personal truth at cerebral level the difficult task it to change at cardiac level. After all to deprogram some thing that has been programmed for 30 years is going take some time.

I plan to post many true stories where in my opinion the personal truth may be more harmful than helpful. Mind you these are biased views of one person. I think a public dialogue may help different people to change or reinforce their own personal truths. Please forgive me if I happen to make fun of your personal truth it just shows my strong bias against it. And feel free to change your personal truth if you are suddenly enlightened and realize that changing your personal truth is likely to server you better.

I think our brain is like a computer hard drive and it collects garbage and harmful viruses over time. Smart ones among us do regularly clean up hard drive to keep in functioning at an optimal level.

Edited by Sneha Sharma

What defines “life saving medicine”? Are you implying marriage or a quality non-casual relationship?

When a marriage or a non-casual relationship doesn’t work, the side effects are infinitely more harmful. Right?

Also, by casual relationship, do you mean a convenient rebound? That’s usually what they are.

Anuradha Ana Mohleji

I am referring to those who are at a stage of looking for marriage. They run into what they think may be a good prospect – they strike up the conversation – and see or talk to each other frequently and think that they are in a relationship. This is a comfort zone for both of them. Because they both can honestly say, “I am seeing someone.” They even go to spend some time togather.

Only problem is that both of them are trying to figure out how to take the relationship to the next level. There are no defined rules – no referee! The relationship lasts 2-3 years and after many ups and downs (one more down than up for sure) they finally move on. To me that two to three years you spent is a big loss. The time wasted on this relationship could have been more productive in seriously looking elsewhere. It may leave one or both of them bruised and cynical.

For those who are seriously looking the time is of essence. And to waste a few years on a relationship with open ended process is a big loss. I have personally talked to hundreds if not thousands and they have admitted retrospectively that there were definite sings of ultimate outcome within weeks. So by their own admission they did burn up valuable time.

You are absolutely right that ill effect of marriage is far severe and I do not propose jumping into marriage to save time. I am simply advocating that whatever information you need to come to the decision can be done more efficiently and one should avoid the waste of time and pain that comes with failed relationship.

If both of them are seriously looking, what excuse do they have for not being able to get all the information needed to make decision in a few months and then either move on or move forward?
This is not about changing the society. Society will remain what it is. I would like to educate Desi women in their mid 20s today. They need to realize that their so-called relationship may be eating up her precious time. She is more likely to lose a decade only to find herself at a great disadvantage in Desi marriage game when she wakes up five to ten years later.

Here are a few of my personal observations:

Many Desi women do not have any idea of the price they would end up paying.

Men are more interested in physical part of sex and women more in emotional part. This puts women at a disadvantage. Women are far more motivated than men for a marriage or commitment.

I am not recommending for women to become blunt and tell the guy I am not interested in anything but serious relationship. But smart women need to do a lot of introspection in mid 20s and lay a plan for finding that special someone. This plan needs to be critically reviewed. And if that requires to remain painfully single for a while, be it.

They need to be very clear about ‘fun track’ versus ‘future track.’ There is no denying of emotional and physical need. That is ‘physiology!’ But in process of satisfying your physiological need, if you pay a heavy price ultimately it is ‘pathology!’

Having so called ‘grey’ relationship could end up costing you a lot. More people are likely to know about it than you anticipate. This may dissuade sincere prospect to make a move on you. Wishful thinking you get into may prevent you from being able to see a great opportunity that may come your way. You may not even consider a great prospect suggested by your parents or family.

In response to, “the chances of the girl, who holds onto something casual and grey with him and has 0 expectations is more likely to get him. Meanwhile, the one with self-respect, keeps going from one uncommitted man to the next”. I have a different perspective on this one. Only brainless girls have zero expectation.

If you are that woman, I urge you to ask yourself a question – what the hell is wrong with me?

Consider professional counseling.

Yes, there is a chance that a guy would move on to the next woman who is willing to go grey easily than one who insists on knowing where is the relationship heading. But, that is a blessing and not a curse. May be you need to move on to the one who has emotional intelligence to understand your perspective. Being labeled ‘difficult’ by a ‘chalu’ guy is far better than being labeled ‘too easy’ by most of the guys.

By and large if after six months of serious relationship you are not making progress it is time to move on. This does not mean it is never going to happen. But by moving on both parties have a better chance of realizing what they may be letting go. Get out of your comfort zone.

Of course we all realize that different strokes for different folks. No single formula works for everyone. Depending upon your needs and situation you may have to adopt a strategy that meets your long term (long is the key word) as well as short term needs. The successful strategy is one that achieves as much as your long term need without paying a heavy price. At this point in time I believe that Desi Women are paying a very heavy price for a lost decade in so called ‘relationship!’

Author:Vijay Uncle

Should I fly over to meet the prospect? Yesterday I was discussing with one of my participant and I found my-self giving an advice that may seem counter to my mission. He was about to fly 2000 miles to meet a prospect and I discouraged him!

- Anonymous

Well, this is a complex issue faced by many of you. You meet someone, it seems like there is some possibility but the distance seems to be the roadblock. So your natural instinct is, “why not I fly to her place and meet her!” Good idea or bad idea? May be this will help me seal the deal.

Answer depends on too many factors and one cannot be a hundred percent sure of what is the right answer. I was talking to a young lady and she actually did just that. She flew over to meet the guy. The guy had only one hour to spare (why would you consider spending the rest of your life with a guy who – I don’t care how busy he is – cannot spare more than an hour to meet with you? Well he came to the airport and they met and realized that one hour was more than what they needed – there was no chemistry (surprise, surprise!)

This leads me to ask a question – how do you decide it is right time to invest more of you time and money plus subject yourself to humiliation of going through the screening process of airports?

You guys are playing the game with no rules and no referees. So when you think the goal line is located on the north end of the field and you take the ball to finish line just to find out that goal line was actually located at the south end! Or you thought holding the mask would call in for a penalty while it was absolutely ok!

So we need rules and referees in this difficult yet important game. If everyone involved knew the rules of the game, it will bring some sanity to the process. What if there was a well meaning uncle who could talk to both sides and made sure they were indeed both serious and they had done everything possible to get to know each other on the phone – video chat etc.

What if uncle suggested that since one party is investing the time and effort, the other party show what they are willing to contribute? Both parties need to have a skin in the game. Serious people do not waste effort and energy on futile efforts. Because frustration from such failures may drain your energy to stay in the game. We never discuss such nitty- gritty. But a community wide dialogue is in order.

While majority of you are focused on locating that special someone I am focused on how to get there. That is why in Assisted Match Making participants are now coming to me after they meet a prospect on their own. This brings common rules – accountability – sanity to the process.

Good bye barbaadi.com hello Vijayuncle.com

In both cases I sensed that the other party did not demonstrate as much seriousness to warrant flying over to meet them. What I like to see is earnest desire on both sides and not a state of ‘comparison shopping’ or ‘window shopping.’ You must refuse to be a display on the self.

Author:Uncle Vijay Mehta

Let me introduce you The Modern Indian Woman (Bharatiya Naree.  Let me introduce the modern Indian woman. She is most gorgeous looking, educated, most health conscious, most talented, hardest working women in the history of Indian women.

She is a leader, she is a follower, and she can run the corporate world or cure the illness.

She can show her Bollywood moves or she can lead a corporation.

She can fit in western world as well as can be totally Indian. The million dollar question remains why are there not a dozen of men standing in line to spend the rest of the life with her till the death do you part?

There is another side of her that is not too often discussed.

From the early age of 16 she is caught between her need for love & sex and her head telling her to restrain. Yes, sex changes everything including the ability of Desi woman to make a rational decision.

For the women in our times the atmosphere to yield to the carnal desire was very hostile, level of horniness was relatively low, the opportunity to do it were not as many, consequences of being caught were too severe to attempt it so vast majority of them restrained themselves – got married at decade or more early than generation Y. Fast-forward one generation. The atmosphere to satisfy your carnal desire is not as hostile (just don’t let your parents know). The level of horniness has gone through the roof, opportunities are everywhere, consequences are not that severe and women of your generation have to wait decade or more to wait before you get married.

As much as we want to stay in a state of denial at the end of the day hormones are stronger than culture. It is said that blood is thicker than the water (and I agree) semen is thicker than the blood! I call it physiology. So our modern South Asian woman is caught between the rock and a hard place.

She means well, she knows the right from the wrong, she also has fully functioning ovaries, she needs the sexual gratification badly. The easiest way out is wishful thinking that the so-called relationship will meet her long term need (more than 95% of the time she admits to me that she should have known better retrospectively) but the damage is done. After a year or two of playing “ghar ghar,” she finally gets tired or dumped – bruised or enraged she puts her self together only to fall prey to similar situation in a year or two. The cycle repeats. Days become months, months become years and before she wakes up a decade is gone. The pressure from outside (family, friends) and inside (depleted stock of ovums) mounts. She does not want to use word desperate but she is definitely on the edge. Her ability to trust others has gone. Let me get to you before you get me is her state of mind.

It is much easy to blame the men (I am not implying they don’t deserve the blame) it is easy to blame the pressure of career (it does play a role) but it is hard to simply face the truth. The only person whose behavior is under my control is ‘me.’

Time has come for all desi ladies (as young as 14) to grasp the consequences of their actions. South Asian women of today live in the most independent state ever but with freedom comes responsibility. Responsibility to realize the long-term consequences of everything you do. The price, of not doing so, is simply too much in some of your cases.

At the age of 25 stay true to your beliefs. What you are looking for may be in ‘short supply’ but it is not in ‘no supply.’ And you are only looking for one man. There is nothing wrong in letting everyone know your expectations. And avoid casual relationships. You should be able to find a guy who is either a virgin or a born again virgin. Going to India is not a good solution. Unless you know the guy inside out.

Join my seriously looking album on facebook (I do have lot more information about the people there than posted) I think many men would respect you for your views. They do not get flabbergasted when a woman says I am a virgin or I am looking for a virgin but they get flabbergasted when the talk does not match with a walk.

Author:Uncle Vijay Mehta

I don’t know many desi singles in the small town I live in but I’m soon moving and I had a couple of questions as I’m very oblivious to the desi dating scene in big cities(your blog has been tremendously helpful in providing me some insight, thank you). Hopefully, you or the visitors on this blog can clear up some puzzling questions I have.

1. Are desi guys in their late 20′s and early 30′s serious about marriage?
2. Do desi guys expect their wife to be ‘pure’ when they get married? What about the other way around?
3. Do most desi girls have sex (with the one they want to marry) before marriage or hold off until after they’re married?
4. Are desi guys controlling and abusive?
5. Do they hold traditional views when it comes to the role the wife and the husband should play within a marriage?

I’d really appreciate any insight I can get. Thank you.”

Vijay Uncle:

1. Desi guys in late 20′s and early 30′s are ‘by and large’ not too concerned about getting married. They feel there are enough choices out there so some perfect woman is going to come by. Many of them think why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

2. At one of the youth convention (200+), I asked the audience directly, how many of you want a virgin wife and not a single hand went up. Of course I think there were about 10% or so who might have waned to say ‘yes’ but felt too embarrassed to speak up.

3. I think vast majority of Desi women have had sex prior to marriage.

4. Both desi guys and gals are controlling – obsessive – and abusive. In my generation that honor mainly went to men now with equal rights of women situation is lot more complicated.

5. Role of wife and husband varies from one group to the other. In some very orthodox family – and if the grooms parents are living with them – there is a lot of pressure on woman to play traditional role.

Question:

“What do you advise to women regarding “why buy the cow when you get milk for free?”

Vijay Uncle

I have been pondering this for quite some time. Here is the quandary. As per the rules of normal physiology both men and women have need for sexual satisfaction. So from very early on I knew that hormones are much stronger than culture! Let us not view the sex as something female provides just for the benefit of male.

I have done a survey of more than 800 Desi youth and have personally talked to that many more probing exactly this issue. While I was not interested in proving any point and publishing a paper, I wanted to understand where you guys were coming from. It is true that many women did engage in sex more to hold on to the guy than to meet her needs. And it is also true that just as you are blaming his mother for spoiling him many women have spoiled the men in the bedroom. So they have a sense of entitlement.

And we have to talk to these boys about the need to be cognizant of the need of woman rather than be too focused on his needs. I think there is a hormonal phase (16-22) where you guys regardless of all the restriction placed on you are going to experiment with relationship and sex. When you graduate from college you need to switch gears. In maturity phase (22-26) you need to learn to control your hormones and realize that in long run giving in to your carnal desires with the wrong guy can be hazardous to your health.

During this phase women need to learn to be more assertive. Learn to say “NO” even when your hormones want you to say “yes.” That is why technology has provided you with lots of paraphernalia’s.

No sex unless there is emotional connection and no emotional connection unless the relationship is going somewhere. If you do choose to engage in sex, make sure you are not servicing him (too many desi women have confessed to me that they did not have sex but basically she was servicing him). This should put enough pressure on the guy, if he does not like the rule he has an option of moving on.

It may be painful in short run but at least he cannot play you along for 2-4 years.

Then comes serious phase (26 and above) here you have to really learn to say ‘no’ to any casual sex. Here you need to be looking for those who are interested in engaging in the process to evaluate each other for marriage purpose. During this time any casual relationship you carry on may end up costing you a lot. “I have tried to keep things from getting even close to that point.” That is not what I have observed. After few free drinks by midnight most of you are so softened that all that self-control goes out the window.

“He called me manipulative and a tease.” Guys have been saying this since they were in high school.

All you need to hear is I am so horny I will say anything or do anything to get you in my bed. If a guy like this leaves you let him find his match.

Author:Uncle Vijay Mehta

If you’ve any questions, please send them to info@sagennext.com, and we’ll have an answer for you from Vijay uncle.