I’m so tired of listening to my family saying how come it still has not worked for you? I don’t feel encouraged by all these comments. South Asian parents and guardians feel they elevate someone’s motivation by negative feed forward talk, but for me it’s worked quite the opposite.
I have done a lot of reading on dating and men/women psyche’s…..and one very useful site is womenshappiness.com by Dr. Paul who is a psychoanalyst. He throws some amazing insight into dating/relationships/marriage from both a man and woman’s perspective. From that I’ve learned, to spot a good match early on and not continue too far into dating if it does not feel right. Also he mentions how the initial attraction is also important to be able to move onto a bonding stage which develops much later for guys than girls. But he states it’s important to date a few guys, to decide who is the right character match for you. He also states that a man of opposite emotional polarity is better for you. (If I’m a stronger personality, someone of a milder personality will be a better match for me and he needs to have similar beliefs, values and good boundaries). See website KWML.com for personality tests. I’ve noticed this has been so true among most friends and family partnerships. Anyways, I won’t go into the details.
I have this intuition that a big change is happening with our generation, and marriage may become a thing of the past. People of our generation (30′s) are fearful of taking the plunge, men are fearful of being chivalrous and pursuing a woman. Women with their big careers, make it appear that they don’t need men, but we do, we do need men!!!…To me, this is the biggest change because by instinct men are providers and women are nurturers. Society has changed so much, and is still changing. I’ve realized that successful career is not everything, it’s also about love, family, kids, living life happily with what you have.
Now the big question. I’ve noticed nowadays, guys don’t want to invest time and money to fly somewhere to go see a woman. Back in the day, a man courted a woman who lived in his town. I think to some degree, a man who chooses wisely to invest his time and money is a man with good boundaries. But by the same token, my family tells me, “what’s wrong with you, why don’t you go there and meet the guy?” I’m thinking that’s a lot of time and resources to spend. It’s almost like I’m taking on the role of a guy. Also, I sincerely feel that unless two people are very much invested, and have amazing chemistry by seeing each other’s pictures and talking on the phone, they are most likely not going to invest the time and resources to fly a distance. What do you think?
Another scenario, cam that long distance thing work… if those two people met at a conference/wedding and are physically felt attracted, then I can see them investing that kind of time/resources. I’ve seen this happen to friends.
Distance I think plays a big role. 90% of my friends who have met someone were at two hours’ max distance or in the same city. I feel that relationships that work long distance is when all kinds of bonding including commitment has happened all at once in a short period of time if it started off as a long distance relationship but all other elements such as attraction, similar beliefs/values were in place. Would love your two cents on this.
I’m writing all this to you because, sometimes I’m so exhausted trying so hard for seven years!!!! I’m so tired of listening to my family saying how come it still has not worked for you? I don’t feel encouraged by all these comments. South Asian parents and guardians feel they elevate someone’s motivation by negative feed forward talk, but for me it’s worked quite the opposite. I feel like not sharing any more with them, my experiences, for fear that they’ll say something else that will hurt me.
On the contrary, I feel more “ALIVE” when I do things I like to do passionately, paint, scrap book etc…and I realize I attract more people to me when I am in that state of mind. I think sometimes, we have to believe in the Universe/God that eventually things are meant to work out for us when it’s meant to, and we can’t stop living life!!! I’m also considering dating non-Indian guy now. What’s your take on all this??
Sorry for pouring out, but I thought, that you may want to hear from someone like me and know what thoughts run through our mind!!!
Thanks again for all that you do, you are a blessing!!!
- Seriously looking for Seven Years
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this important subject. You are absolutely correct that most women are too busy building the career till late twenties. They fall in a comfort zone having lots of desi singles around. Casual dating is not that difficult. So mangy of them think that eventually they will run into some nice guy and settle down.
Once they start in serious mode to look for a spouse, however, the playing field is very frustrating. You may like the guy but does he like you? Even if both of you did feel some chemistry are you meeting all those check list of each other (age, religion, diet, state of India, language, cast, education, financial status just to name a few). Next are you both in serious mode or one in window shopping mode and the other in serious mode. How do you know that guy or gal you are developing feeling for does not have other prospects that may be front runners? Add tremendous pressure from family and clicking biological clock and you have a recipe for the greatest challenge of your life.
As far as investing the time and money to meet the prospective guy or gal is concerned I think investment is the right way to look at it (as long as both are in serious mode). In my opinion it does not have to be a guy or girl who travels – best is if both of them can alternate. In certain situation when one has job obligations that make traveling impossible it is fine for the other party to travel more. On few occasions I have suggested the ticket to be paid by the one who can not travel. But in a big scheme of things I do not feel it is that important. Such details can be negotiated by both parties.
I am in favor of going global specially when out desi minds are too fixated on certain curb criteria that makes it nearly impossible for some men and women to find a decent prospect. But I have found that even that is not an easy solution. Many westerners do not get our concept of fast tracking commitment – marriage before the child is brought in the world. But it is something one should be open to specially after a year or two of seriously looking. I was extremely happy when one of the young lady I was familiar with did marry a white man because i had a hunch that Desi Guys were not likely to look at the total package.
Toxic influence of the family: you are correct, many desi parents have no clue as to the effect of their comments on young men and women who are seriously looking. Too often they are negative force in this frustrating process. It is absolutely ok to have a civilized and firm conversations with them and letting them know in no uncertain terms as to what is not acceptable.
As far as believing in Universe/God is concerned – I believe that after you have done your best it is ok to accept the results and make the most of situation. But, please do not use God as an excuse of not putting all the efforts you can. After all this is single most important mission of your life.
Good luck. I hope you full better soon and get ready to go to our Two Mangoes.com and encourage all others you know, who are seriously looking to join us.
I hope others will also share their wisdom on these subjects.