Archive | Relationship

Parenting skills: Tips for raising teens

Posted on 20 February 2013 by admin

Adolescence can be a confusing time of change for teens and parents alike. But while these years can be difficult, there’s plenty you can do to nurture your teen and encourage responsible behavior. Use these parenting skills to deal with the challenges of raising a teen.

Show your love

One of the most important parenting skills needed for raising healthy teens involves positive attention. Spend time with your teen to remind him or her that you care. Listen to your teen when he or she talks, and respect your teen’s feelings. Also, keep in mind that only reprimanding your teen and never giving him or her any justified praise can prove demoralizing. For every time you discipline or correct your teen, try to compliment him or her twice.

If your teen doesn’t seem interested in bonding, keep trying. Regularly eating meals together may be a good way to stay connected to your teen. Better yet, invite your teen to prepare the meal with you. On days when you’re having trouble connecting with your teen, consider each doing your own thing in the same space. Being near each other could lead to the start of a conversation. You might also encourage your teen to talk to other supportive adults, such as an uncle or older cousin, for guidance.

Minimize pressure

Don’t pressure your teen to be like you were or wish you had been at his or her age. Give your teen some leeway when it comes to clothing and hairstyles. It’s natural for teens to rebel and express themselves in ways that differ from their parents.

If your teen shows an interest in body art — such as tattoos and piercings — make sure he or she understands the health risks, such as skin infections, allergic reactions, and hepatitis B and C. Also talk about potential permanence or scarring.

As you allow your teen some degree of self-expression, remember that you can still maintain high expectations for your teen and the kind of person he or she will become.

Encourage cyber safety

Get to know the technology your teen is using and the websites he or she visits. If possible, keep the computer in a common area in your home. Remind your teen to practice these basic safety rules:

  • Don’t share personal information online.
  • Don’t share passwords.
  • Don’t get together with someone you meet online.
  • Don’t send anything in a message you wouldn’t say face to face.
  • Don’t text or chat on the phone while driving.
  • Don’t plagiarize.
  • Talk to a parent or trusted adult if an interaction or message makes you uncomfortable.

 What is Teen Depression?

Teen depression is a serious medical problem that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest in activities. It affects how your teen thinks, feels and behaves, and it can cause emotional, functional and physical problems. Although mood disorders, such as depression, can occur at any time in life, symptoms may be different between teens and adults.

Issues such as peer pressure, academic expectations and changing bodies can bring a lot of ups and downs for teens. But for some teens, the lows are more than just temporary feelings — they’re a symptom of depression.

Teen depression isn’t a weakness or something that can be overcome with willpower — it can have serious consequences and requires long-term treatment. For most teens, depression symptoms ease with treatment such as medication and psychological counselling.


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Should You Spank Your Child?

Posted on 23 January 2013 by admin

Dr. Laura Markham

Were you spanked as a child? Then you may think it’s a good way to guide a child. Or maybe you don’t want to spank, but you find yourself doing it because you don’t know how else to get through to your child. Interestingly, adults who were not spanked as children don’t spank their kids. It just feels wrong to them. And you know what? They find other ways to get through to their kids. And their children turn out fine.

In fact, the last thirty years of research is clear. Kids who are spanked are less emotionally healthy than kids who aren’t. What’s more, kids who are spanked behave worse over time.

So if you were spanked and think you came out alright, it wasn’t because of the spanking. You’d be even better if you hadn’t been spanked!

A 2012 study reviewed the previous two decades of research and confirmed that children who are spanked have less gray matter in their brains, and are more likely to exhibit depression, anxiety, drug use, and aggression as they get older. The only positive outcome that’s ever been shown from corporal punishment is immediate compliance; however, corporal punishment is associated with less long-term compliance. Corporal punishment has repeatedly been linked with nine other negative outcomes, including increased rates of aggression, delinquency, mental health problems, and problems in relationships with their parents.

Large, peer-reviewed studies repeatedly show that the more children are hit, the more likely they are to hit others, including peers and siblings. As adults, they are more likely to hit their spouses. The more parents spank children for antisocial behavior, the more the antisocial behavior increases. All of the peer reviewed studies being published continue to confirm these findings. A major study at Tulane University, published in Pediatrics, controlled for other factors that have been found to contribute to aggressiveness in children, including the mother’s depression, alcohol and drug use, spousal abuse and even whether the mother considered abortion while pregnant with the child. Spanking remained a strong predictor of violent behavior in the child. As five-year-olds, the children who had been spanked were more likely than the non-spanked to be defiant, demand immediate satisfaction of their wants and needs, become frustrated easily, have temper tantrums and lash out physically against other people or animals.

Quite simply, spanking produces WORSE behavior, not better behavior. It also begets more violence, because hitting children teaches them that it is acceptable to hit others who are smaller and weaker. “I’m going to hit you because you hit your sister” is a hypocrisy not lost on children. As every parent knows, kids do what we do, not what we say.

I strongly believe that permissiveness without limits creates children who are unhappy and impossible to live with. But discipline means “to teach.” If we’re serious about raising good kids, we need to use methods that teach kids to manage themselves. Spanking does not do that. Instead, it teaches kids to be afraid of us, which is no basis for love. It teaches them to be sneaky so they won’t be caught doing something wrong. It teaches kids that they are bad, so they are more likely to behave badly. It teaches kids to use violence when they want to solve a problem. And it keeps them from taking responsibility to improve their own behavior, because they “externalize the locus of control,” which means they only behave because an authority figure makes them, rather than behaving because they want to.

The secret is that spanking not only doesn’t work, it is totally unnecessary. When children are raised with age-appropriate expectations and limits accompanied by empathy, they tend to behave and cooperate. Those children don’t need much in the way of discipline at all, and they become self-disciplined adults.

So next time you get so angry you want to hit someone, tell your kids you’re taking a timeout and you’ll deal with them later. Then go into the bathroom, run the water, and calm yourself down. Use the time to get calm, not to justify your anger. When you come out, tell them you need to think hard about what they did, but right now you need to fix dinner (do the laundry, whatever.) Tell them you need them to be little angels, and you will talk when you are all calm later. Then follow through. Your discipline and teaching will be so much more effective. They’ll learn a lot better when they aren’t in the flush of flight or flight hormones. And you will be so grateful to see yourself becoming the kind of parent every child deserves.

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How to raise a reader

Posted on 12 December 2012 by admin

Children learn to love the sound of language before they ever notice the existence of printed words on a page. Reading aloud with children is an essential component to language development and is one of the most important activities for preparing them to succeed as readers. Here are some things you can do to raise a lifelong reader:

Talk, Sing, and Play

Babies delight in hearing language. Talk as you do simple everyday things together: recite nursery rhymes, and do finger plays, games and action songs.

Make Time to Read

Try to read with your child every day at a regularly scheduled time. If possible, choose a time when you can be relaxed and not rushed. If you have more than one child, spend time reading with each child separately, especially if they’re more than two years apart. On days that are particularly hectic, bring a few books when you take children along on errands. Taking time to read to children on a regular basis sends the message that reading is worthwhile.

One More Time…PLEASE?!

As every adult who cares for children knows, they often ask to hear the same story again and again. They delight in knowing what comes next and often learn a favorite book so well that they can "read" it on their own. That favorite story may speak to your child’s current interests and emotional needs, so it’s important for the adults in their lives to be patient during this phase. Young children are eventually ready for different stories if they are continuously exposed to a variety of books.

Slow Down

It’s not just what you read to children, but how you read that matters. If adults rush through stories or read without enthusiasm, children quickly lose interest. Try to read with expression and use different voices for the characters. Reading at a leisurely pace with occasional pauses gives children time to take in what they hear, mull it over, and imagine the people, places, and events. Pose a question or make a remark that will prompt the child to think, express himself, or relate the story to his own experiences. It’s also a good idea to follow children’s cues. Sometimes they are caught up in the story and don’t want stops and detours along the way.

Choose Books with Care

Reading together often, you learn a lot about the kinds of books your child likes and understands. Visit the local library and involve your child in deciding what to bring home. Selecting books that relate to what’s happening in the child’s life at that time is a good way to ease transitions and allay fears about upcoming events. Topics such as potty training, new siblings, adoption, or moving to a new home are covered in a variety of books that are written specifically for young children.

Surround Children with Reading Material

In addition to library books, children also like having some books of their own that they can read whenever the mood strikes them. Affordable used books can be found at yard sales, thrift stores, secondhand book stores, and public library book sales. Consider subscribing to a good children’s magazine–children love having something come in the mail just for them!

Don’t Pressure Children About What or When to Read

Nagging children about their reading habits may cause them to resist reading all-together. Some school-age children choose to read only comic books or fan magazines after their homework is completed. Try not to criticize–after all, they are reading. If a child makes a mistake when reading aloud, don’t interrupt. If the mistake doesn’t change the meaning, let it go.

Show That You Value Their Efforts

Nothing is more important for fostering readers than showing genuine enthusiasm. Ask your child to read to you, a younger child, or a special visitor. Talk with him about what he is reading and respond positively.


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Parenting style—what is it?

Posted on 06 December 2012 by admin

As all parents know all too well, parenting is complex, and there are no easy answers. The interaction of many specific actions and attitudes on the part of parents come together to affect a child’s development. Parenting style refers to thebroad overall pattern of parental actions, rather than to a single act.

Types of parenting style
Descriptions of parenting styles grew out of the work of Diana Baumrind and other researchers in child development. They looked at children who had the qualities most of us would want in our children: independence, maturity, self-reliance, self-control, curiosity, friendliness and achievement orientation. The researchers then interviewed the parents of these children to ascertain which elements of parenting fostered these qualities. They identified two important ingredients: a) responsiveness, or warmth and supportiveness, and b) demandingness or behavioral control. Four styles of parenting, as listed below, are based on these elements.

Authoritarian, or extremely strict, parents are highly controlling. They dictate how their children should behave. They stress obedience to authority and discourage discussion. They are demanding and directive. They expect their orders to be obeyed and do not encourage give-and-take. They have low levels of sensitivity and do not expect their children to disagree with their decisions.

Authoritative, or moderate, parents set limits and rely on natural consequences for children to learn from making their own mistakes. Authoritative parents explain why rules are important and why they must be followed. They reason with their children and consider the children’s point of view even though they might not agree. They are firm, with kindness, warmth and love. They set high standards and encourage children to be independent.

Permissive, or indulgent, parents are accepting and warm but exert little control. They do not set limits, and allow children to set their own rules and schedules and activities. They do not make demands about behavior as authoritarian or authoritative parents do.

Uninvolved parents demand little and respond minimally. In extreme cases, this parenting style might entail neglect and rejection.

How does parenting style affect children?

Research has found that the best adjusted children, particularly in terms of social competence, have parents with an authoritative, moderate parenting style. These parents are able to balance clearly stated, high demands with emotional responsiveness and respect for their child’s autonomy. Both authoritian and authoritative parents have high expectations of their children and use control, but the overly strict parent expects the child to unquestioningly accept parental judgments and allows the child little freedom of expression. Children of overly strict parents are apt to be reliant on the voice of authority and to be lacking in spontaneity. In contrast, the authoritative parent permits the child enough freedom of expression so that he or she can develop a sense of independence. Permissive parents make few demands and their children have been found to have difficulty controlling their impulses, and can be immature and reluctant to accept responsibility.

One example of the effect of parenting style on the development of children was published in the June 2006 issue of Pediatrics. A research team headed by Dr. Kyung E. Rhee, a pediatrician at Boston Medical Center, analyzed data for 872 children collected by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. They assessed the relationship between child-rearing style, assessed when the children were 4 and a half years of age, and their weight status two years later.

By that time more than 11 percent of the children were overweight and an additional 13.4 percent were considered at risk. The children of authoritarian mothers were nearly five times as likely to be overweight as those of authoritative mothers, and children of permissive or uninvolved parents were at more than three times the risk. The researchers stated that an overly strict upbringing can have a negative impact on weight because the children may fail to learn to eat on the basis of hunger and satiety. In such families parents may use food as a reward, insist that children clean their plates, or restrict the kind or amount of food a child can eat.


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Violence during pregnancy detrimental to smooth co-parenting experience

Posted on 15 March 2012 by admin

Couples married or living together who have had a violent relationship during pregnancy are likely to have a tough time working as a parenting team. A research, published in the Journal of Family Issues, interviewed 156 expectant couples once before the baby’s birth, after six months of the baby’s birth and finally when the baby was nearly 13 months old. The results imply that counseling and working with couples to prevent violence before a baby’s birth can have a significant positive impact on the child’s development and co-parenting. Common couple violence incidents are quite high, especially for couples with young children. This type of violence is characterized by actions like shoving, slapping and hitting and is usually not intended to control the partner but occurs out of frustration. Both partners are equally likely to participate in common couple violence.

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Second Marriages? Visiting the Scene of Crime Again?

Posted on 01 December 2011 by admin

People marry once. Get creamed in the name of law. Get clobbered in the name of God. Some actually manage to wriggle free by getting a divorce. Phew! The nightmare’s finally over. They become subject of my envy.

But hell, no!

They want to marry again!

I want to ask all those who are looking to settle down once again (or maybe a third time)—what are you guys THINKING?

Did you just hear ‘THIS IS IT’ bells ringing around your head, or are you just attracting punishment again? Are you thinking that this time, for sure, you’ve found the man/woman of your dreams? That this time he’ll/she’ll not snore?  That there’ll be a different smell coming from the kitchen?  That the bathroom seat will be lowered?

That he will wipe your tears? That she will understand your need for space? That this time, since she’s ‘older’ and ‘wiser’, she’ll not collar you up against the wall when you come home late? That this time, since he is ‘sober’ and ‘mature’, he’ll not eye the woman next door or come home stone drunk?

What are you folks thinking? That this marriage of yours will surely work out and you’ll find eternal bliss… finally?

Run for your lives, guys, if you have opened an account with one of those umpteen portals declaring eternal happiness for all those who want to get run over by a truck a second time… RUN! Did you know that when a fairy-tale ends with the line, “And they lived happily ever after”,… the tale actually begins from this point?

Marrying a second time is like a murderer returning to the scene of a crime. If you are still confused, you are in luck! Sit back and keep reading.

Marrying a second time may raise your hopes of a “new beginning” all over again as you find so many beautiful things about your second partner as against your previous one. It’s natural for you to compare; you can never get over the first. He/she will always be at the back of your mind, so don’t even try to get over that.

Soon, however, begins the reverse comparison. How your previous partner would do things that your present partner never does. Honestly, this thought would cross a woman’s mind more often than a man’s. A woman’s mind is a tricky thing! And you already know about that.

Next comes altering habits you had taken for granted in your first marriage. Sticking up your hair in a bun, for instance. Or scratching your oversized paunch. You won’t be able to do these with the freedom you did earlier.

Then, of course, there is the sticky issue of the two, three, four families surrounding both of you—with whom you have to almost share portions of yourself to keep peace.

There are so many other things in life you can experiment with—jobs, for instance. You can try out a job, and if you don’t like it, you can quit. And find another. You don’t have to have babies, for goodness sake, in jobs! You can just resign and find a better job.

But you can’t resign from a marriage! Not again and again!

Women, may I suggest something? Get a cat.  It’s so much better. You can snuggle up to one in the bed if you are lonely. You have a much less annoying, low-cost companion. Men, you can go for dogs. Big dogs that wag their tails whenever you return home. They are always so happy to see you. Not like your wife who remembers three things whenever she sees you: Money, money and money!

I mean, think about it. You can pull out your clothing from under a rubble of clothes without any high-pitched, hyperbolic objection.

I am probably the last soul on earth qualified to discuss second marriages as I only suffered (read: am suffering) it once. However, whether you want to remarry before the seven-year itch or after a 15-year hitch, keep in mind that statistics indicate that though 75 per cent of people who get divorced the first time eventually remarry, 60 to 70 per cent of all remarriages end in divorce. So it’s an egg-and-chicken cycle.

This, when there are no children involved.

With children, evidently from both sides, this re-marital meal gets really delicious. Acting as constant reminders and as connection to the marriage that went haywire, you are now playing the role of a superhero/heroine. Now you technically have two husbands and two wives (or three) and several children. You are managing the emotions of two/three/four families with yourself sitting in the center of the pie-graph. An enviable job, indeed. Everyone should experience this at least once in a lifetime.

And people also do eight-hour real jobs on top of all this?

By Kaberi Chatterjee





Interesting Facts About Marriage

  1. Due to jobs, kids, TV, the Internet, hobbies, and home and family responsibilities, the average married couple spends just four minutes a day alone together.
  2. Over 75% of people who marry partners from an affair eventually divorce.
  3. Marrying younger than age 25 dramatically raises the divorce risk. Also, the divorce risk is higher when the woman is much older than the man, though the reverse isn’t as a strong factor.
  4. The average married couple has sex 58 times per year, or slightly more than once a week.
  5. The word “wife” is likely from the Proto-Indo-European root weip (“to turn, twist, wrap”) or ghwibh, which has a root meaning “shame” or “pudenda.”
  6. The word “husband” is from the Old Norse husbondi or “master of the house” (literally, hus “house” + bondi “householder, dweller”).
  7. A person’s level of education influences the age at which they marry. Couples tend to marry later in states with higher numbers of college-educated adults, while the opposite is true for states with lower education levels.
  8. The probability of a first marriage ending in a divorce within 5 years is 20%, but the probability of a premarital cohabitation breaking up within 5 years is 49%. After 10 years, the probability of a first marriage ending is 33%, compared with 62% for cohabitations.
  9. Approximately $6 billion in revenue is lost by American businesses as a result of decreased worker productivity linked to marriage hardship. Employees in a happy marriage, in contrast, tend to increase a company’s bottom line.
  1. CNN reports that the current economy is the biggest stress on married couples in the past 60 years.

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Girls! Who Needs Them!

Posted on 17 November 2011 by admin



My teenage son is allergic to girls. He thinks they are redundant in his life and will only complicate life for him. Yet he reads up so much of girl-reports that I begin to think he is actually afraid of the emotion of ‘love’.


Don’t be. It’s beautiful actually. To be able to think of her when you wake up, to be able to see her smiling and running down to meet you when you need her, to be able to feel her beside you when you go to sleep…It’s beautiful. This emotion of love.


But hell! When does that happen? The moment you wake up you have had five missed calls from her and three texts. It is Sunday noon, and you had a right to sleep.


But how could you have slept on with her waiting for your call since morning? You barely open your eyes and there she is, calling: “Hello…” you say in groggy voice.


“What the hell! Why don’t you take my calls? You’ve been sleeping? Did you have a late night yesterday? Did you go out with that woman? I told you we were supposed to…”


No. She definitely does not fit in as the woman of your dreams. Half of your brain decides to move on. The other half is scheming how to do it.


And they say that a man leaves a woman for other women?


Love is beautiful. Like chinaware. Treat it carefully, and it will last forever. Bash it, smash it, and it will break into tiny pieces. Even if you mend it, the cracks will remain. But to cherish it, you need to understand why women act the way they do.


She starts thinking she owns you. She possesses you. She treats you like a baby. That’s because she loves you. But she doesn’t know how to express it. She had been dreaming of you all night and thinking of you ever since she opened her eyes. And then, she’s been counting the hands of the clock for you to call. No calls. She calls you. No answer. She waits. She calls again. No answer. The hands of the clock tick on. She texts you. Her love for you turns into anxiousness, into anger, into suspicion. She calls you again, and again; texts you twice again. She is suspecting you are with someone and you don’t want to take calls from her. You can imagine the fury that’s built up within her by now. And then when you take her call, she just explodes!


There’s only one way to handle her at that time. Just listen. Don’t take anything she says seriously. Let her cool off. Sympathize with her. Nod. Let her anger melt into tears. She’ll be sorry in seconds. Then tell her, “I love you. I am sorry I overslept. I’ll meet you in an hour.”


Believe me. This is the only way. There may be other attractive fishes in the sea, but they are all of the same kind. All girls are the same. They are all from a different planet you have no clue of.


It’s very rare that you love and find love in the same person. You are the lucky man. Hold onto your girl with all your might.


Might. Yes, that’s one thing women love in you. Not much in the physical sense. More in an arbitrary sense.  Like opening the door for her, carrying her groceries, pulling out her chair, offering her the drink first and things like that. It’s not that she cannot do them herself. But you are her man. She wants to sink in your ‘might’. Your woman will expect this from you even when you are 90 and she is 95!


I recently came across a beautiful piece on Facebook you might want to make a note of.


When a girl WALKS for miles to see you….

When a girl SAYS SORRY even though she didn’t do anything…

When a girl CRIES because she still loves/misses u….

When a girl still TRIES TO GET YOU BACK…

When a girl, no matter how much YOU HURT HER, STILL LOVES YOU…

When a girl STOPS her argument with her guy to make her relationship SAFE…

When a girl continuously MAKES U FEEL SPECIAL and TRIES TO MAKE U HAPPY…

When a girl is upset but DOES NOT tell u as she thinks she is ANNOYING U…..

When a girl wants to LEAVE u because of your RUDE BEHAVIOUR but she is not able to do…



By Kaberi Chatterjee










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Virtual relationships are getting big

Posted on 11 November 2011 by admin

Though teenagers Benjamin and Susan were classmates; they never knew each other beyond an early morning “Hey” during rush class time. They had different subjects and never dreamed of interacting with each other. However, they spotted each other on a social networking site during their evenings and started chatting.

An immediate chemistry sparked off between them as they found out that their views and attitudes about the world around them were similar. In a world where teenagers are so alienated from each other due to variations in cultures and attitudes, Benjamin and Susan found they had so many common things to relate to. From being acquaintances, within a month, they were into a relationship. As anticipated, their virtual relationship soon turned real, and they began seeing each other.

Over the past few decades, the power of internet has grown so much into our lives, that it has effectively replaced real-life encounters. Casual meetings at cafes, simple board games, and weekend trips to the local library are slowly diminishing. The current generation has begun to usher in a plethora of online networking sites, including Facebook, Twitter and MySpace. This frenzy of social networking inevitably encourages the formation of virtual relationships. Internet friends that have never met in real life, or intimate online relationships that seem nonexistent when the two individuals meet in-person.

Why is virtual relationship getting so contagious?

Sense of privacy and freedom: Virtual relationships are making headway over real-life relationships. Psychological understanding of this is that when two people sit behind the safety of computer screens, knowing that they can log-off any time and befriend a person anytime, a sense of freedom and privacy reigns, which aids the relationship to take flight. We all know that freedom in a relationship helps it grow. One feels less conscious about oneself, and in the process, one’s true self often emerges. Many a times, online friends talk about things that they would never dream about talking to a real-life person, let alone, to a complete stranger.

Staying connected: The most appealing feature of the internet is staying connected with lost friends and family whom you hardly meet, without the effort of picking up the phone or driving over. Friends, family, schoolmates, and co-workers are only a few minutes away from a wall post or private message. Virtual relationships are often the only way of contacting friends from other states and countries.

Convenient: Because of the increasing influence of technology in our lives, computers make multitasking much easier. Simultaneously sending an email, instant messaging ten friends, shopping online, and checking your Facebook hardly takes any effort. It’s fun! Two friends that do not interact in real life may instant message each other until 1:00 AM, simply because it is more convenient.

How’s virtual relationship harming you?

Cyber-stalking With personal information and your current relationship updates posted on social profiles, you may become a soft target for stalkers, even on a minor level. However, what you post and you want to let the world know is in your hands. So don’t type anything on computer that you don’t want people to know.

Laziness The laziness that creeps in due to the convenience of virtual connection may deter you from making a real life effort to meet the person and sustain the relationship. The strength of a relationship can be threatened.

Disconnection from reality Research has shown that addiction to online networking is a direct cause of unproductiveness, social depression, loneliness, and an overall alienation from reality. In general, many become more wrapped-up in virtual relationships, as opposed to relationships they could be developing in real life.

Do we need to differentiate it from real relationships?

Even in a virtual setting, the person on the other end is a human, with all the emotions and characteristics of a real person. So where is the difference?

It is said that the problem with virtual relationships is that they are apparently not real. The information which two people share with each other virtually can be controlled in a way that one only knows about the other what that person wants them to know. This can mean that a very false impression of a person can be built up in a virtual relationship.

Conversely, this can happen in real life too. In real life, too, we control what we want our friends to know and what we don’t. In real life, we take years to get to know a person fully: reading about their sun-signs, their moon signs and, and lately, their Chinese zodiac signs. We try to assemble all the qualities and then decide whether we should go ahead with the relationship or not.

So it is in the case of a virtual relationship.

The increasing popularity of the Internet in recent years has seen the advent of millions of virtual relationships. There are scores of relationships and even marriages which sparked off from virtual friendships. However, it is imperative, that anyone who does engage in a virtual relationship does so with their eyes open at all times. They must take all of the above factors into account and know that while there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a virtual relationship, in many instances, if they are not careful, the dangers can sometimes cause them insurmountable problems in the real world.



Kaberi Chatterjee

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Love Letter From a Realist

Posted on 03 August 2011 by admin


Words cannot describe how much I love you, thus making the writing of a love letter that much more tedious and unnecessary. However, I understand that reading these words will mean a great deal to you.

Although, personally I feel a PowerPoint presentation empirically outlining the reasons for why I have selected you as a mate would be far more romantic. Such a presentation would provide you with valuable information that could lead to an increase in UOL (Units of Love). For example, your recent reduction in body mass has led to in increase of 3 UOL. However, the meeting of your family has led to a decrease of 5 UOL. Not to sound sappy, but despite your recent UOL performance I still feel that your love is a solid long term investment. God, I want to shake your hand so badly right now; firm and business like. Yeah girl, you know how Daddy likes it.

Below is a poem that I have written for you. The italicized writing under each line of poetry gives a literal interpretation of my sentiments. This precautionary measure ensures that you do not falsely over estimate your current UOL.

You are the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen.

Outside of severe mental delusion, this is statistically impossible. I have not encountered every woman in the world, and thus making such a claim would be unfounded in logic.

With each passing day I love you more and more

This is just untrue. Your recent performance shows a loss of 2 UOL. Shape up.

You are truly a gift from God

You are the result of biological entropy.

This is all straight from the heart

Both Wikipedia and Google were used heavily.

I will be with you forever.

The current rate of divorce is at 51%.

Twitter: @iambillal


By Billal Sarwar


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Emotional Polarity – Good for you

Posted on 12 January 2011 by admin

I’m so tired of listening to my family saying how come it still has not worked for you? I don’t feel encouraged by all these comments. South Asian parents and guardians feel they elevate someone’s motivation by negative feed forward talk, but for me it’s worked quite the opposite.

I have done a lot of reading on dating and men/women psyche’s…..and one very useful site is by Dr. Paul who is a psychoanalyst. He throws some amazing insight into dating/relationships/marriage from both a man and woman’s perspective. From that I’ve learned, to spot a good match early on and not continue too far into dating if it does not feel right. Also he mentions how the initial attraction is also important to be able to move onto a bonding stage which develops much later for guys than girls.  But he states it’s important to date a few guys, to decide who is the right character match for you. He also states that a man of opposite emotional polarity is better for you. (If I’m a stronger personality, someone of a milder personality will be a better match for me and he needs to have similar beliefs, values and good boundaries). See website for personality tests. I’ve noticed this has been so true among most friends and family partnerships. Anyways, I won’t go into the details.

I have this intuition that a big change is happening with our generation, and marriage may become a thing of the past. People of our generation  (30’s) are fearful of taking the plunge, men are fearful of being chivalrous and pursuing a woman. Women with their big careers, make it appear that they don’t need men, but we do, we do need men!!!…To me, this is the biggest change because by instinct men are providers and women are nurturers. Society has changed so much, and is still changing. I’ve realized that successful career is not everything, it’s also about love, family, kids, living life happily with what you have.

Now the big question. I’ve noticed nowadays, guys don’t want to invest time and money to fly somewhere to go see a woman. Back in the day, a man courted a woman who lived in his town. I think to some degree, a man who chooses wisely to invest his time and money is a man with good boundaries. But by the same token, my family tells me, “what’s wrong with you, why don’t you go there and meet the guy?” I’m thinking that’s a lot of time and resources to spend. It’s almost like I’m taking on the role of a guy. Also, I sincerely feel that unless two people are very much invested, and have amazing chemistry by seeing each other’s pictures and talking on the phone, they are most likely not going to invest the time and resources to fly a distance. What do you think?

Another scenario, cam that long distance thing work… if those two people met at a conference/wedding and are physically felt attracted, then I can see them investing that kind of time/resources. I’ve seen this happen to friends.

Distance I think plays a big role. 90% of my friends who have met someone were at two hours’ max distance or in the same city. I feel that relationships that work long distance is when all kinds of bonding including commitment has happened all at once in a short period of time if it started off as a long distance relationship but all other elements such as attraction, similar beliefs/values were in place. Would love your two cents on this.

I’m writing all this to you because, sometimes I’m so exhausted trying so hard for seven years!!!! I’m so tired of listening to my family saying how come it still has not worked for you? I don’t feel encouraged by all these comments. South Asian parents and guardians feel they elevate someone’s motivation by negative feed forward talk, but for me it’s worked quite the opposite. I feel like not sharing any more with them, my experiences, for fear that they’ll say something else that will hurt me.

On the contrary, I feel more “ALIVE” when I do things I like to do passionately, paint, scrap book etc…and I realize I attract more people to me when I am in that state of mind. I think sometimes, we have to believe in the Universe/God that eventually things are meant to work out for us when it’s meant to, and we can’t stop living life!!! I’m also considering dating non-Indian guy now. What’s your take on all this??

Sorry for pouring out, but I thought, that you may want to hear from someone like me and know what thoughts run through our mind!!!

Thanks again for all that you do, you are a blessing!!!

Take care,

– Seriously looking for Seven Years


Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this important subject. You are absolutely correct that most women are too busy building the career till late twenties. They fall in a comfort zone having lots of desi singles around. Casual dating is not that difficult. So mangy of them think that eventually they will run into some nice guy and settle down.

Once they start in serious mode to look for a spouse, however, the playing field is very frustrating. You may like the guy but does he like you? Even if both of you did feel some chemistry are you meeting all those check list of each other (age, religion, diet, state of India, language, cast, education, financial status just to name a few). Next are you both in serious mode or one in window shopping mode and the other in serious mode. How do you know that guy or gal you are developing feeling for does not have other prospects that may be front runners? Add tremendous pressure from family and clicking biological clock and you have a recipe for the greatest challenge of your life.

As far as investing the time and money to meet the prospective guy or gal is concerned I think investment is the right way to look at it (as long as both are in serious mode). In my opinion it does not have to be a guy or girl who travels – best is if both of them can alternate. In certain situation when one has job obligations that make traveling impossible it is fine for the other party to travel more. On few occasions I have suggested the ticket to be paid by the one who can not travel. But in a big scheme of things I do not feel it is that important. Such details can be negotiated by both parties.

I am in favor of going global specially when out desi minds are too fixated on certain curb criteria that makes it nearly impossible for some men and women to find a decent prospect. But I have found that even that is not an easy solution. Many westerners do not get our concept of fast tracking commitment – marriage before the child is brought in the world. But it is something one should be open to specially after a year or two of seriously looking. I was extremely happy when one of the young lady I was familiar with did marry a white man because i had a hunch that Desi Guys were not likely to look at the total package.

Toxic influence of the family: you are correct, many desi parents have no clue as to the effect of their comments on young men and women who are seriously looking. Too often they are negative force in this frustrating process. It is absolutely ok to have a civilized and firm conversations with them and letting them know in no uncertain terms as to what is not acceptable.

As far as believing in Universe/God is concerned – I believe that after you have done your best it is ok to accept the results and make the most of situation. But, please do not use God as an excuse of not putting all the efforts you can. After all this is single most important mission of your life.

Good luck. I hope you full better soon and get ready to go to our Two and encourage all others you know, who are seriously looking to join us.

I hope others will also share their wisdom on these subjects.

~Vijay Uncle

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