Archive | Relationship

We all have our own personal truths – but they are changeable and should be changed PRN

Posted on 08 December 2010 by admin

By VijayUncle Mehta

As I have said many times before, we all have our personal truths. These personal truths are based on our DNA, life experiences, background, education, peer (Samaj) generated, or our personal biases do play a major role in our decision making. To me personal truths are like our spouses. We can’t live without them and some times we can’t live with them! I simply can’t imagine life without my wife but there are moments where I have a trouble surviving with her! (Shhh, make sure you do not go tell her!)

What I propose we do is this. We start out with our personal truth – because that is what we have believed to be true and over all has served us well, but at the same time we put it under the microscope and critically examine if it is really true or not. This is a very difficult (and for some of us it is an impossible) process.

Personal truth should not be changed from outside forces but it must happen from our core. Only role the others need play is to point out the alternative truth and then you need to engage into the hard part. Question your personal truth and figure out if they need stay or go! The most important test you need to apply is to question. “Does this truth serve my long term need?” or “Does this particular truth serve me or screw me?”

Once you identify the need to change the personal truth at cerebral level the difficult task it to change at cardiac level. After all to deprogram some thing that has been programmed for 30 years is going take some time.

I plan to post many true stories where in my opinion the personal truth may be more harmful than helpful. Mind you these are biased views of one person. I think a public dialogue may help different people to change or reinforce their own personal truths. Please forgive me if I happen to make fun of your personal truth it just shows my strong bias against it. And feel free to change your personal truth if you are suddenly enlightened and realize that changing your personal truth is likely to server you better.

I think our brain is like a computer hard drive and it collects garbage and harmful viruses over time. Smart ones among us do regularly clean up hard drive to keep in functioning at an optimal level.

Edited by Sneha Sharma

Comments (0)

Casual Relationship (grey or non-grey) may be hazardous to your health

Posted on 20 October 2010 by admin

What defines “life saving medicine”? Are you implying marriage or a quality non-casual relationship?


When a marriage or a non-casual relationship doesn’t work, the side effects are infinitely more harmful. Right?


Also, by casual relationship, do you mean a convenient rebound? That’s usually what they are.

Anuradha Ana Mohleji


I am referring to those who are at a stage of looking for marriage. They run into what they think may be a good prospect – they strike up the conversation – and see or talk to each other frequently and think that they are in a relationship. This is a comfort zone for both of them. Because they both can honestly say, “I am seeing someone.” They even go to spend some time togather.

Only problem is that both of them are trying to figure out how to take the relationship to the next level. There are no defined rules – no referee! The relationship lasts 2-3 years and after many ups and downs (one more down than up for sure) they finally move on. To me that two to three years you spent is a big loss. The time wasted on this relationship could have been more productive in seriously looking elsewhere. It may leave one or both of them bruised and cynical.

For those who are seriously looking the time is of essence. And to waste a few years on a relationship with open ended process is a big loss. I have personally talked to hundreds if not thousands and they have admitted retrospectively that there were definite sings of ultimate outcome within weeks. So by their own admission they did burn up valuable time.

You are absolutely right that ill effect of marriage is far severe and I do not propose jumping into marriage to save time. I am simply advocating that whatever information you need to come to the decision can be done more efficiently and one should avoid the waste of time and pain that comes with failed relationship.

If both of them are seriously looking, what excuse do they have for not being able to get all the information needed to make decision in a few months and then either move on or move forward?
This is not about changing the society. Society will remain what it is. I would like to educate Desi women in their mid 20s today. They need to realize that their so-called relationship may be eating up her precious time. She is more likely to lose a decade only to find herself at a great disadvantage in Desi marriage game when she wakes up five to ten years later.

Here are a few of my personal observations:

Many Desi women do not have any idea of the price they would end up paying.

Women pay a much heavier price than men for procrastinating.

From men’s point of view the peak of attractiveness occurs at late twenties. Guys are more visual than gals. For Desi women your chance of finding someone better does not improve with age after a certain point.

Every failed relationship leaves you more jaded and hurt.

Men are more interested in physical part of sex and women more in emotional part. This puts women at a disadvantage. Women are far more motivated than men for a marriage or commitment.

I am not recommending for women to become blunt and tell the guy I am not interested in anything but serious relationship. But smart women need to do a lot of introspection in mid 20s and lay a plan for finding that special someone. This plan needs to be critically reviewed. And if that requires to remain painfully single for a while, be it.

They need to be very clear about ‘fun track’ versus ‘future track.’ There is no denying of emotional and physical need. That is ‘physiology!’ But in process of satisfying your physiological need, if you pay a heavy price ultimately it is ‘pathology!’

Having so called ‘grey’ relationship could end up costing you a lot. More people are likely to know about it than you anticipate. This may dissuade sincere prospect to make a move on you. Wishful thinking you get into may prevent you from being able to see a great opportunity that may come your way. You may not even consider a great prospect suggested by your parents or family.

In response to, “the chances of the girl, who holds onto something casual and grey with him and has 0 expectations is more likely to get him. Meanwhile, the one with self-respect, keeps going from one uncommitted man to the next”. I have a different perspective on this one. Only brainless girls have zero expectation.

If you are that woman, I urge you to ask yourself a question – what the hell is wrong with me?

Consider professional counseling.

Yes, there is a chance that a guy would move on to the next woman who is willing to go grey easily than one who insists on knowing where is the relationship heading. But, that is a blessing and not a curse. May be you need to move on to the one who has emotional intelligence to understand your perspective. Being labeled ‘difficult’ by a ‘chalu’ guy is far better than being labeled ‘too easy’ by most of the guys.

By and large if after six months of serious relationship you are not making progress it is time to move on. This does not mean it is never going to happen. But by moving on both parties have a better chance of realizing what they may be letting go. Get out of your comfort zone.

Of course we all realize that different strokes for different folks. No single formula works for everyone. Depending upon your needs and situation you may have to adopt a strategy that meets your long term (long is the key word) as well as short term needs. The successful strategy is one that achieves as much as your long term need without paying a heavy price. At this point in time I believe that Desi Women are paying a very heavy price for a lost decade in so called ‘relationship!’

Author:Vijay Uncle

Comments (0)

Should I fly over to meet the prospect?

Posted on 22 September 2010 by .

Should I fly over to meet the prospect? Yesterday I was discussing with one of my participant and I found my-self giving an advice that may seem counter to my mission. He was about to fly 2000 miles to meet a prospect and I discouraged him!

- Anonymous

Well, this is a complex issue faced by many of you. You meet someone, it seems like there is some possibility but the distance seems to be the roadblock. So your natural instinct is, “why not I fly to her place and meet her!” Good idea or bad idea? May be this will help me seal the deal.

Answer depends on too many factors and one cannot be a hundred percent sure of what is the right answer. I was talking to a young lady and she actually did just that. She flew over to meet the guy. The guy had only one hour to spare (why would you consider spending the rest of your life with a guy who – I don’t care how busy he is – cannot spare more than an hour to meet with you? Well he came to the airport and they met and realized that one hour was more than what they needed – there was no chemistry (surprise, surprise!)

This leads me to ask a question – how do you decide it is right time to invest more of you time and money plus subject yourself to humiliation of going through the screening process of airports?

You guys are playing the game with no rules and no referees. So when you think the goal line is located on the north end of the field and you take the ball to finish line just to find out that goal line was actually located at the south end! Or you thought holding the mask would call in for a penalty while it was absolutely ok!

So we need rules and referees in this difficult yet important game. If everyone involved knew the rules of the game, it will bring some sanity to the process. What if there was a well meaning uncle who could talk to both sides and made sure they were indeed both serious and they had done everything possible to get to know each other on the phone – video chat etc.

What if uncle suggested that since one party is investing the time and effort, the other party show what they are willing to contribute? Both parties need to have a skin in the game. Serious people do not waste effort and energy on futile efforts. Because frustration from such failures may drain your energy to stay in the game. We never discuss such nitty- gritty. But a community wide dialogue is in order.

While majority of you are focused on locating that special someone I am focused on how to get there. That is why in Assisted Match Making participants are now coming to me after they meet a prospect on their own. This brings common rules – accountability – sanity to the process.

Good bye barbaadi.com hello Vijayuncle.com

In both cases I sensed that the other party did not demonstrate as much seriousness to warrant flying over to meet them. What I like to see is earnest desire on both sides and not a state of ‘comparison shopping’ or ‘window shopping.’ You must refuse to be a display on the self.

Author:Uncle Vijay Mehta

Comments (0)

The Modern Indian Woman

Posted on 15 September 2010 by .


Let me introduce you The Modern Indian Woman (Bharatiya Naree.  Let me introduce the modern Indian woman. She is most gorgeous looking, educated, most health conscious, most talented, hardest working women in the history of Indian women.

She is a leader, she is a follower, and she can run the corporate world or cure the illness.

She can show her Bollywood moves or she can lead a corporation.

She can fit in western world as well as can be totally Indian. The million dollar question remains why are there not a dozen of men standing in line to spend the rest of the life with her till the death do you part?

There is another side of her that is not too often discussed.

From the early age of 16 she is caught between her need for love & sex and her head telling her to restrain. Yes, sex changes everything including the ability of Desi woman to make a rational decision.

For the women in our times the atmosphere to yield to the carnal desire was very hostile, level of horniness was relatively low, the opportunity to do it were not as many, consequences of being caught were too severe to attempt it so vast majority of them restrained themselves – got married at decade or more early than generation Y. Fast-forward one generation. The atmosphere to satisfy your carnal desire is not as hostile (just don’t let your parents know). The level of horniness has gone through the roof, opportunities are everywhere, consequences are not that severe and women of your generation have to wait decade or more to wait before you get married.

As much as we want to stay in a state of denial at the end of the day hormones are stronger than culture. It is said that blood is thicker than the water (and I agree) semen is thicker than the blood! I call it physiology. So our modern South Asian woman is caught between the rock and a hard place.

She means well, she knows the right from the wrong, she also has fully functioning ovaries, she needs the sexual gratification badly. The easiest way out is wishful thinking that the so-called relationship will meet her long term need (more than 95% of the time she admits to me that she should have known better retrospectively) but the damage is done. After a year or two of playing “ghar ghar,” she finally gets tired or dumped – bruised or enraged she puts her self together only to fall prey to similar situation in a year or two. The cycle repeats. Days become months, months become years and before she wakes up a decade is gone. The pressure from outside (family, friends) and inside (depleted stock of ovums) mounts. She does not want to use word desperate but she is definitely on the edge. Her ability to trust others has gone. Let me get to you before you get me is her state of mind.

It is much easy to blame the men (I am not implying they don’t deserve the blame) it is easy to blame the pressure of career (it does play a role) but it is hard to simply face the truth. The only person whose behavior is under my control is ‘me.’

Time has come for all desi ladies (as young as 14) to grasp the consequences of their actions. South Asian women of today live in the most independent state ever but with freedom comes responsibility. Responsibility to realize the long-term consequences of everything you do. The price, of not doing so, is simply too much in some of your cases.

At the age of 25 stay true to your beliefs. What you are looking for may be in ‘short supply’ but it is not in ‘no supply.’ And you are only looking for one man. There is nothing wrong in letting everyone know your expectations. And avoid casual relationships. You should be able to find a guy who is either a virgin or a born again virgin. Going to India is not a good solution. Unless you know the guy inside out.

Join my seriously looking album on facebook (I do have lot more information about the people there than posted) I think many men would respect you for your views. They do not get flabbergasted when a woman says I am a virgin or I am looking for a virgin but they get flabbergasted when the talk does not match with a walk.

Author:Uncle Vijay Mehta

Comments (0)

Relationship Trouble: Ask Vijay Uncle

Posted on 08 September 2010 by .

I don’t know many desi singles in the small town I live in but I’m soon moving and I had a couple of questions as I’m very oblivious to the desi dating scene in big cities(your blog has been tremendously helpful in providing me some insight, thank you). Hopefully, you or the visitors on this blog can clear up some puzzling questions I have.

1. Are desi guys in their late 20′s and early 30′s serious about marriage?
2. Do desi guys expect their wife to be ‘pure’ when they get married? What about the other way around?
3. Do most desi girls have sex (with the one they want to marry) before marriage or hold off until after they’re married?
4. Are desi guys controlling and abusive?
5. Do they hold traditional views when it comes to the role the wife and the husband should play within a marriage?

I’d really appreciate any insight I can get. Thank you.”

Vijay Uncle:

1. Desi guys in late 20′s and early 30′s are ‘by and large’ not too concerned about getting married. They feel there are enough choices out there so some perfect woman is going to come by. Many of them think why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

2. At one of the youth convention (200+), I asked the audience directly, how many of you want a virgin wife and not a single hand went up. Of course I think there were about 10% or so who might have waned to say ‘yes’ but felt too embarrassed to speak up.

3. I think vast majority of Desi women have had sex prior to marriage.

4. Both desi guys and gals are controlling – obsessive – and abusive. In my generation that honor mainly went to men now with equal rights of women situation is lot more complicated.

5. Role of wife and husband varies from one group to the other. In some very orthodox family – and if the grooms parents are living with them – there is a lot of pressure on woman to play traditional role.

Question:

“What do you advise to women regarding “why buy the cow when you get milk for free?”

Vijay Uncle

I have been pondering this for quite some time. Here is the quandary. As per the rules of normal physiology both men and women have need for sexual satisfaction. So from very early on I knew that hormones are much stronger than culture! Let us not view the sex as something female provides just for the benefit of male.

I have done a survey of more than 800 Desi youth and have personally talked to that many more probing exactly this issue. While I was not interested in proving any point and publishing a paper, I wanted to understand where you guys were coming from. It is true that many women did engage in sex more to hold on to the guy than to meet her needs. And it is also true that just as you are blaming his mother for spoiling him many women have spoiled the men in the bedroom. So they have a sense of entitlement.

And we have to talk to these boys about the need to be cognizant of the need of woman rather than be too focused on his needs. I think there is a hormonal phase (16-22) where you guys regardless of all the restriction placed on you are going to experiment with relationship and sex. When you graduate from college you need to switch gears. In maturity phase (22-26) you need to learn to control your hormones and realize that in long run giving in to your carnal desires with the wrong guy can be hazardous to your health.

During this phase women need to learn to be more assertive. Learn to say “NO” even when your hormones want you to say “yes.” That is why technology has provided you with lots of paraphernalia’s.

No sex unless there is emotional connection and no emotional connection unless the relationship is going somewhere. If you do choose to engage in sex, make sure you are not servicing him (too many desi women have confessed to me that they did not have sex but basically she was servicing him). This should put enough pressure on the guy, if he does not like the rule he has an option of moving on.

It may be painful in short run but at least he cannot play you along for 2-4 years.

Then comes serious phase (26 and above) here you have to really learn to say ‘no’ to any casual sex. Here you need to be looking for those who are interested in engaging in the process to evaluate each other for marriage purpose. During this time any casual relationship you carry on may end up costing you a lot. “I have tried to keep things from getting even close to that point.” That is not what I have observed. After few free drinks by midnight most of you are so softened that all that self-control goes out the window.

“He called me manipulative and a tease.” Guys have been saying this since they were in high school.

All you need to hear is I am so horny I will say anything or do anything to get you in my bed. If a guy like this leaves you let him find his match.

Author:Uncle Vijay Mehta

If you’ve any questions, please send them to info@sagennext.com, and we’ll have an answer for you from Vijay uncle.

Comments (0)

Aunt Sassy Solution To your Relationship Problems

Posted on 09 June 2010 by .

Dear Aunt Sassy,

My parents have been looking for a boy for me for quite some time and now they have finally found him. I have just talked to him a couple of times and I am not sure how to deal with this entire thing. I don’t really hate him but I don’t love him either. Our parents are getting impatient day by day and want us to get married soon. I am looking for a job and want to have work before I can marry this person about whom I know really little. My parents keep on telling me that I live in a dream land and my prince charming will not come out of thin air. All I want is a stable job before I can take this huge step. Am I asking for too much?

Highly Confused.

Dear Highly Confused,

It looks like you are not giving this guy a chance. Talk to him and find out what you really feel about him. As for the job, your parents are right, you will find it with the right set of skills. If this is the guy that you want to spend your life with, then you will have his support in your job hunt as well. Try circulating your resume instead of arguing with your folks. And are you sure that you are not just using ‘job hunt’ as an excuse to run away from this proposal? Ask yourself what truly is the matter. Money and financial stability won’t solve the ‘real’ problems that you might be avoiding at this time.

Love,

Aunt Sassy

Dear Aunt Sassy,

I am a 2nd year university student and I recently started dating this girl. She is absolutely awesome. I like everything about her, but there is a slight problem. I am the one who always calls her (from my cell phone) and I always end up paying for our date (from subway fares, to theatre tickets to dinners). I know I sound like a miserly guy but believe me I am not. I am working in the summer to save some money for my uni fee but somehow I am not saving any. I love her a lot, but this dating business is getting too heavy on my pocket. I don’t want to break up AT ALL, but I don’t know what else to do either. If I try canceling a date, it would look as if I am breaking the deal.

Please help,

Financial Trouble.

Dear Financial Trouble,

I am having concerns about the way you are developing this relationship. You sound more like a slave than her boyfriend and she sounds like a spoiled princess or even worse a university gold digger. If you love her as much as you claim then it should not be a problem to discuss things. You are a STUDENT and that is your prime responsibility. Try talking to her about sharing expenses; you guys live in North America and not a village in South Asia. Don’t make money your ego and talk about splitting bills.  You will discover that communicating does magic to relationships and your pocket.

Love,

Aunt Sassy


Comments (0)

Casual Relationship (grey or non-grey) May Be Hazardous to Your health

Posted on 09 June 2010 by .

Casual relationships are like placebos when you really need life saving medicine. It may not have harmful side effects but the time they eat up are harmful enough.

I am referring to those who are at a stage of looking for marriage. They run into what they think may be a good prospect – they strike up the conversation – and see or talk to each other frequently and think that they are in a relationship. This is a comfort zone for both of them. Because they both can honestly say, “ I am seeing someone.” They even go to spend some time to gather.

Only problem is that both of them are trying to figure out how to take the relationship to the next level. There are no defined rules – no referee! The relationship lasts 2-3 years and after many ups and downs (one more down than up for sure) they finally move on. To me that two to three years you spent is a big loss. The time wasted on this relationship could have been more productive in seriously looking elsewhere. It may leave one or both of them bruised and cynical.

For those who are seriously looking, the time is of essence. And to waste few years on a relationship with open-ended process is a big loss. I have personally talked to hundreds if not thousands and they have admitted retrospectively that there were definite sings of ultimate outcome within weeks. So by their own admission they did burn up valuable time.

You are absolutely right that ill effect of marriage is far severe and I do not propose jumping into marriage to save time. I am simply advocating that whatever information you need to come to the decision can be done more efficiently and one should avoid the waste of time and pain that comes with failed relationship.

If both of them are seriously looking what excuse they have for not being able to get all the information needed to make decision in few months and than either move on or move forward?

This is not about changing the society. Society will remain what it is. I would like to educate Desi woman in their mid 20’s today. They need to realize that their so-called relationship may be eating up her precious time. She is more likely to lose a decade only to find her at a great disadvantage in Desi marriage game when she wakes up five to ten years later.


Here are few of my personal observations

  • Many Desi women did not have any idea of the price they would end up paying- a lost decade.
  • Women pay a much heavier price than men for procrastinating.
  • From men’s point of view the peak of attractiveness occurs at late twenties. Guys are more visual than girls. For Desi women your chance of finding someone better does not improve with age after a certain point.
  • Every failed relationship leaves you more jaded and hurt.
  • Men are more interested in physical part of sex and women more in emotional part, this puts women at a disadvantage. Women are far more motivated than men for a marriage or commitment.
  • I am not recommending for women to become blunt and tell the guy I am not interested in anything but serious relationship. But smart women need to do a lot of introspection at mid 20’s and lay a plan for finding that special someone. This plan needs to be critically reviewed for its success or lack thereof every few months and be modified if necessary. And if that requires remaining painfully single for a while, be it.
  • They need to be very clear about ‘fun track’ versus ‘future track.’ There is no denying of emotional and physical need. That is ‘physiology!’ But in process of satisfying your physiological need if you pay a heavy price ultimately then it is ‘pathology!’

Having so called ‘grey’ relationship could end up costing you a lot. More people are likely to know about it than you anticipate. This may dissuade sincere prospect to make a move on you. Wishful thinking you get into may prevent you from being able to see a great opportunity that may come your way. You may not even consider a great prospect suggested by your parents or family.

In response to, “the chances of the girl, who holds onto something casual and grey with him and has 0 expectations is more likely to get him to the mandap. Meanwhile, the one with self-respect, keeps going from one uncommitted man to the next”. I have a different perspective on this one. Only brainless girls have zero expectation. If you are that woman, I urge you to ask yourself a question – what the hell is wrong with me? Consider professional counseling.

Yes, there is a chance that a guy would move on to the next woman who is willing to go grey easily than one who insists on knowing where is the relationship heading. But, that is a blessing and not a curse. May be you need to move on to the one who has emotional intelligence to understand your perspective. Being labeled ‘difficult’ by a chalu guy is far better than being labeled ‘too easy’ by most of the guys.

By & large if after six months of serous relationship you are not making progress it is time to move on. This does not mean it is never going to happen. But by moving on both parties have a better chance or realizing what they may be letting go. Get out of your comfort zone.

Of course we all realize that different strokes for different folks. No single formula works for everyone. Depending upon your needs and situation you may have to adopt a strategy that meets your long term (long is the key word) as well as short term needs. The successful strategy is one that achieves as much as your long term need without paying a heavy price. At this point in time I believe that Desi Women are paying a very heavy price for a lost decade in so called ‘relationship!’

Author:Uncle Vijay Mehta

Comments (2)

Necessity is the Mother of Reinvention:

Posted on 14 April 2010 by .

As a teacher, when one of my students can’t grasp a concept, I don’t keep repeating myself until the student understands. Sometimes, I have to change the way I teach something. Maybe this student needs a visual aid like a video or perhaps he needs to see more examples. This is a key to success in any field: when what you are doing isn’t working, try it differently.

I see this all the time. Just recently, Domino’s changed the recipe for their pizza. The new recipe was a success. By changing the way they make pizza, something Domino’s has been doing since the 1960s, they saw a huge increase in profits.

How many times has Coca Cola reinvented their product (Cherry Coke, Vanilla Coke, Coca Cola Zero, etc.)? Maybe only a few less times than Madonna has reinvented herself. In fact, she did a tour called the Reinvention Tour. Reinvention isn’t just a way to succeed; it’s a way to survive. If Madonna didn’t change from “material girl” to “Kabbalah Madonna”, it’s possible that her career would have fizzled out of existence.

The American approach to finding a mate has also followed this path. The old ways of meeting someone at a party or a bar weren’t yielding enough results. More people were and are finding themselves pushing 40 years old, still single. So not too long ago, people started looking online to meet people. But there is a lot of waiting around that comes with that. Waiting for someone to be interested in your profile, then waiting to meet the person while you correspond via e-mail or talk on the phone.

There had to be something else. Rachel Greenwald, a woman with an M.B.A. from Harvard wrote a book called Find a Husband After 35 (Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. In her book, Greenwald applies her knowledge of business to finding a husband, which includes “marketing”, “packaging”, and “advertising” yourself. The more difficult it has become for people to find a mate, the more creative people get!

Many women by the age of 35 have successful careers, but have had no success when it comes to marriage. Perhaps if they put the same amount of vigor into their search for a partner as they do in their work, they would find someone. Greenwald urges her readers to take action and put themselves out there. Instead of using their contacts to do business deals, use them to meet men.

How can we apply this to suit our needs? For the Muslims in America who are also looking for a mate and who are having just as much trouble as any other non-Muslim American, what is their new age way to finding a husband or wife?

MillanUS.com may have the answer. MillanUS is a premier matrimonial event service that holds live events for eligible Muslim singles to meet. Think about this: most professionals have to require conventions or conferences in order to stay updated on what is going on in their respective fields and to make contacts with other professionals. MillanUS has used these concepts to create this event.

At a MillanUS event, an attendee begins his/her day with a social hour to mingle with other singles. Then there is an introduction and icebreaker activity (perhaps you’ve had to play these types of games at your last corporate team building event.) These are followed by the main event, which are the one-on-one meetings. Each man and woman has 3-4 minutes to meet, speak briefly, and continue on to the next person. The day comes to a close with dinner and more mingling.

All the while, Islamic values are present during the event. The attendees at a MillanUS event all gave intentions of marriage. A major way that MillanUS keeps within traditional Islamic style is that family members are encouraged to attend the event to support the Muslim singles. So while MillanUS brings a completely modern approach to the Muslim matchmaking scene, good Islamic values are still an important part of the event.

If you attend a Madonna concert, she will still play her old hits like “Material Girl” and “Vogue,” but she will play her new music as well. It’s important to hold on to the past while moving on to the future; keep reinventing oneself in order to stay alive. MillanUS has reinvented the idea of arranged marriage by giving more freedom and ease to Muslim singles, while never severing ties with the most important aspects of finding a mate.

Questions? Comments? E-mail farrahmohsin@gmail.com

Author: Farha Mohsin

Comments (9)

Is the main problem – Progressive and Systemic De-masculization of man?

Posted on 10 March 2010 by .

One of the most perplexing question I have had for years is this, “With all these hot looking and motivated women out there, why is the man-playing hard to get?” My initial reaction was that they are simply waiting for the perfect one. What if they are so afraid that post marriage life is likely to be more pain than gain?

In past 40 years Desi females have received an unparallel booster shot of empowerment – education -career – talent – independence- leadership-ability. No matter what attributes you are looking at, the gains made by Desi females have far outpaced those made by Desi men. So it stands to reason that paradigm of male/female roles in Desi marriages has to change too.

Gone are the days (my parents’ generation) where males were bestowed with the wisdom and the intelligence and an unchallenged authority. Next came females (my generation) who were raised knowing the social norm of male dominance. It was so ingrained in their psyche that they did not question the male dominance to the extent a western female would. However coming to North America allowed them to be as productive or sometime far more productive than their male counterpart. However these women by and large played a team role (even when she knew it that she was far superior and can easily show the door to the male). This allowed many men of my generation to have their male ego not bruised too badly.

Now let us come to the current generation. The male child was generally pampered and treated as if he was the God’s gift to family (after all he was going to maintain family name). He was raised with his mom treating dad with respect and dignity (it was more of a reflection of how mom was raised and what her norm of acceptable behavior was). So when this young man becomes an adult he does not realize that old model does not work at all. New woman is more expressive of her anger, displeasure, power and even love.

De-masculization of men is happening for past 40-50 years in the western world. The empowered and now fearless women started standing up for their rights. Law supported females more than males (to level the playing field). Mother got preference over the father. The testosterone driven behavior was criminalized or looked down upon. With the women’s liberation a generation of ‘femi-nazi’ came in to existence. So many westerners would drop their jaw when they saw how our women were so willing to take a back seat – some of it was good while other was bad.

Life is lot more about perception than reality. Your generation of males feels the shock and bewilderment because this drastic change happened in a short period of time.

Addressing this issue may be an important step towards encouraging many of the eligible bachelors who are standing on sideline for some time. I am working on “infra red’ discussion of this topic – any suggestions?

So here are the questions,
” Is it possible that modern Desi woman make it difficult or impossible for ‘a man to feel like a man?’
Could it be that reluctance to run to the ‘mandap’ may be in part due to the perceived notion that marriage will end the life as he has known it?
How can we evaluate this important issue during Infra red dating?

If it is any consolation to Desi men – consider yourself very very lucky. Look at your counterpart – white males. Over last few decades he has given up nearly 50% of educational achievement – 30% of corporate leadership to her. To add the insult to injury came highly motivated men and women from India and other countries! They have ceded so much both inside and outside the house. They have to marry the women who as a group are far less committed than Desi women. That is reality. So trick lies in figuring out a solution that both male and female can live with.

Author:Vijay uncle is the coolest Desi uncle in North America. He gives relationship advice and motivates youth to register to donate bone marrows

Comments (2)

Importing Husbands….

Posted on 27 January 2010 by .

‘Culture’ is a relative term. It is always in flux, and it changes with places and time. We adopt new values; we shed the old ones and try to preserve our own identity. . It is already a hard task to define ‘accurately’ what culture means, or what we refer to when we use the term culture loosely. Here is a glimpse at a few definitions available across the web:

  • particular society at a particular time and place;
  • the tastes in art and manners that are favored by a social group
  • acculturation: all the knowledge and values shared by a society
  • the attitudes and behavior that are characteristic of a particular social group or organization

Culture becomes a yardstick while choosing the significant other. We toy with this word to define our own priorities and biases. I am not alone in this dilemma, while looking at the future marriage prospects.

Post modern marriage has its own culture, arrange marriage is frowned and mocked. It only exists in Elizabethan novels, desi auntie’s circles or old desi dramas. No one romanticizes the old school any more. We as a new generation want a life filled with options and choices. If I can choose the brand of my shoes then why not my husband?

Same words can convey different meanings. Their undertones, use and situation define their mere meaning. Can we define a love match arranged by parents as arranged? Or a matched profile found on shadi.com as love marriage? It seems like a seemingly absurd concept, in an ever evolving culture.

Growing up with the notions of “Feminism” (now whatever that term referred to) and the talks about male chauvinism, women were always discussed as the ‘victims’ when it came to the topic of marriage. Simone De Beauvoir was not the only one to have a feministic stance. In feministic literature women are depicted as the disadvantage party when it comes to love and marriage. Simone’s statement was not something new. Simone did assert that women are as capable of choice as men, and thus can choose to elevate themselves, and these days’ women have taken the step to turn that message into a practice.

Mail wives are not only a Russian phenomenon. Online websites, marriage bureaus and frequent trips to country of origin have made this a common phenomenon in western world. Immigrant population frequents their country of origin looking for suitable culturally equivalent matches. This practice has resulted not only in sociological problems but has led to forced legislation. In England this practice was dubbed as forced marriage. Now governments intervene if they find that their citizens are forced into tie by parents.

How to find a husband? It is like a holy grail every other girl is after. . We want choices and options.  But what happens to those who were raised with the concept that ‘parents find you the best match’ and found themselves amidst this new found independence when they came to this land ‘to choose themselves and to choose freely.”

These new concepts topple their life and they just could not grasp the criteria of ‘how to come across an eligible bachelor…”

Some blame post modern women of being ‘too picky’ or having ‘too high standards.’ Well whatever the reason might be, some just give up. The guy with the traditions and cultural morals is well bred ‘back home’ and if men can bring in wives from there then what’s wrong with bringing husbands from there too?

My answer: It is changing our sociology. When you bring in the husband, you pretty much are the one that is wearing the pants in the family. While that changes, then so does the entire ‘cultural’ structure of a household.

What are those men who want to come here looking for? The answers vary and seldom fulfill our desire and notion of romanticism. But as one girl simply put it, “I want kids and I need a father for them. If he’s ready to be that man, I am ready to adjust and compromise to any limit.”

I was shocked and disappointed. Are these women sacrificing themselves for even a worse reason? Being single, alone and old is a taboo among South Asians. So, due to social pressure South Asian women hear their biological clock ticking even louder and are ready to escape the taunts from ‘aunties’ and would do anything to wear the social costume of a ‘perfect’ girl, with a husband and a family. They are ready to oversee the troubles that would come their way, and are even ready to give up that newly acquired lesson of individualism they had recently learnt.

So yes, they import husbands and they present them as a result of a ‘love marriage,’ how else can they justify their action? Whatever social costume would make them acceptable; they are ready to change clothes.

Author: Madhu Sharma



Comments (2)

Advertise Here
Advertise Here